


Stoppage Time

by SordidAssorted



Series: Against the Run... [2]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, One Shot, O’Press, kellex friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-04-25 17:15:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 40,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14383293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SordidAssorted/pseuds/SordidAssorted
Summary: There’s still more to play after the second half whistle.





	1. Chapter 1

//

 

 

“You really love her.”

It wasn’t a question that was filled with old bitterness, but filled with actual pride. You could hear it conveyed in her voice.

“I do. And I have you to thank for that.” Kelley said as she leaned back onto the side of Alex’s car, right next to the driver’s door, signaling that she wanted to talk.

“How so?”

“You taught me...” she looked around for the word. She met Alex’s eyes. It was into these eyes that Kelley had long ago searched for the answers to life’s question.

“Everything.” Kelley admitted, a little breathlessly. It was her truth. Kelley’s debt to Alex Morgan would never be paid.

Kelley grabbed Alex’s hand.

“I know that someone is eventually gonna be there to keep you warm on lonely nights again, but you don’t need someone to be happy.” Kelley said as she looked down at their intertwined hands.

She heard the keys in her own hand jingle as she shifted the weight on her other leg as she thought over Kelley’s words.

“How can you tell me that when you’ve spent like nine months in a drunken wasteland begging for Christen to come back?” Alex asked with a dry chuckle.

Kelley let herself chuckle too.

“I guess I really can’t say that, huh?”

Alex nodded. She tucked that flyaway hair that after all these years, still hadn’t been tamed or laid flat, behind the freckled woman’s ear. “I appreciate the words though.”

Alex’s fingers trailed down Kelley’s face to give her an affectionate squeeze to her chin.

“Divorce is shitty.” Kelley said with a nod. She wanted her first love to really know how much she was grieving for her.

“I never thought I would get a divorce.” Alex said. She sighed as she mimicked the woman before her and leaned back onto her car, still holding Kelley’s hand.

“No one thinks they would.” Kelley replied.

“That's for damn sure.” Alex said bitterly. A vision of her life flashed before her eyes. It was a pathetic one, she would say if she was asked.

“I am really happy for YOU, though.” Alex said with a squeeze of her hand.

“I have to admit that for a while there I didn’t think Christen would be back here after that ...ever.”

“Me too.”

“Now you can go back to not stealing shit. Relapse is over. Done and done.” Alex only half joked.

There was a lightness to her tone, but they both knew that the freckled faced woman would have to kick the habit if she were to start her life with Christen again. 

“And no drinking.”

“No drinking.” Alex said with a nod.

“But thank you. For everything.” Kelley said quietly.

“Not only for taking care of me these past nine shitty fucking months. I mean, that too. But I know how to love because of you.” Kelley said softly.

She said it with a little shrug so that Alex would take the words and digest them as if it was just a casual statement. Kelley knew that a statement that heartfelt would need to be coated with some sugary sarcasm in order for Alex to digest it.

“Apparently I taught you even though I have no idea how to love.” Alex said miserably.

The divorce had been finalized for two weeks now, and the pain was still set in so deep in her heart. The pain was as paralyzing as it was when her and Kelley had fallen apart, but this broken relationship that left her with a useless diamond ring hurt her in a more comprehensive way.

They had a home. They had a life. Alex had established a routine of waking up to her wife that she was trying to get used to for forever. They had a dog.

This one hurt, because Alex Morgan finally thought she had gotten it right this time around. But apparently, she didn’t.

“You do.” Kelley pushed. “Fuck. I know firsthand that you do.”

This time the true emotion was expressed on her face. Kelley didn’t want to sugar coat it. She wanted her best friend, her first love, to know that.

“But marriage takes two.” Kelley said softly.

“And this one just wasn’t for you.”

 

  
\\\

 

  
Christen Press: thank you.

Alex didn’t need an elaboration. She sighed and kicked off her shoes as she laid down on this bed of hers that felt really big now.

Al: you belong together. U decided it was worth it. That has to mean something.

She put her phone on the nightstand before she got back up to change into something to wear to bed and shed the skin that coated her on this very long and draining day of trying to orchestrate Kelley and Christen’s reconciliation. Alex thought that the past nine months of doing just that was exhausting, but those months were nothing compared to the dramatics of the will she or won’t she of those two crazy kids today on their game day.

She rushed through her nightly routine before she found herself back in her bed, the one that felt as large as an ocean now that it was just her.

Christen Press: it is. I just needed time. Is that okay? I know that I could have saved ya a lot of $ on bar tabs

Alex could hear the shyness in her friend’s face tone in her mind. She knew Christen well enough that she was truly asking for forgiveness for dragging out the reality show that Christen and Kelley’s break up had become. It was weeks and weeks of staying tuned for what was going to happen next.

Al: I would have burned her stuff.

Al: I know u needed that.

Alex responded to a picture message from Christen of her and Kelley making silly faces at the camera as they laid in their bed, with a heart emoji before she drifted into her dreams of who her person would be that she would take silly selfies with.

 

  
//

 

  
It was when she was sitting in Tobin and Laurie’s house on the couch, watching Kelley stick her tongue out at the toddler that was playing with all of these toys laid out in front of him and Kelley, that she felt the heartache.

Her love for Kelley in that way had died a long time ago, but a moment like this reminded her of all the things she probably wasn’t going to have. It wasn’t about the woman in front of her, but it was the domesticity, and the silliness, and the fact of raising a little punk together, that hurt her. It truly struck her in the heart.

“You good?” Tobin asked as she looked over at Alex from her spot on the loveseat where she supervising every move of Kelley’s with her son.

“Yeah.”

But they all knew she wasn’t. Alex didn’t want to hold Reid, and all three of them knew it was because it was just too damn hard for her right now. Tobin and Kelley didn’t push it.

“Are you excited for it? 100 is a big deal?” Kelley asked as they stood outside on the upper deck and looked down at Christen and Laure sunbathing in the backyard.

“It’s not that big of a deal. It’s expected. Just gotta keep trucking along.” Alex said.

And Kelley just didn’t want to take that for an answer.

“Al, you were more excited about breaking my record than you are about this. There’s something wrong with that.” Kelley said quietly as she continued to watch Christen read her magazine.

“Yeah well that was before I knew that I’m badass.” Alex shrugged. She gave a little smirk, one that Kelley appreciated.

“Is the fam coming?”

Alex shook her head slowly. She hadn’t told them. And she had zero posts on social media about the 100th cap game of hers coming up in the next week. There were other matters in her life that were consuming her time.

“Al, fly them out. I’ll get them to arrange the tickets an-“

“No, Kelley.”

She didn’t want them to go. Alex didn’t want anyone to go. She didn’t want to have her 100th cap, she didn’t want to play in it, and she didn’t want anyone to show up.

How can I get in front of all of these people and act like I’m proud of myself?

“Don’t.” Alex warned. “I don’t want to argue with you on this. I’m just so tired of arguing with people. I want to relax.”

She could see Kelley want to say something again, to make Alex feel loved. She hated that about Kelley.

“No. It’s not that I don’t love them. Or they don’t love me. So don’t ask. I just want to get through this.” Alex commanded.

Kelley shut her mouth. She knew not to push it after her first warning. Alex loved that about Kelley.

 

  
//

 

  
Jeri: hey I can’t make the flight cuz I won’t be back then. I’m sorry Kell! :(

Alex looked down at her phone and gave it an admonishing stare like it was the person that this text was really intended for. She stood still in the locker room and had her jaw set and her eyes closed as she tried to tame the anger that was rising.

Jeri: oh shit. Not meant for u my bad

“What’s up your butt?” Kelley asked as she walked by her with her backpack on her back and a lollipop in her mouth that Dawn had given to her for being a good girl in the rehab room.

Alex’s silence caused her to stop in her tracks and turn around to look at her.

“No reason Kell.” Alex turned around to get together all the shit she put into the locker. Alex didn’t hear her friends footsteps to indicate that she had kept walking, and that fact was stoking the fire of the irritation that was burning all throughout.

Alex just hoped for Kelley’s sake that she would just walk away.

Just leave. Kelley O’Hara always leaves.

“Alex-“

“Leave me alone Kelley.” She said with a groan. She usually responded that way when it had been a really exhausting training session and she didn’t feel like talking. Kelley always wanted to talk. So ever since they were kids, Kelley knew that this was Alex’s signal to give her some space.

“Fine.” Kelley groaned back. The playfulness of the response indicated that Alex was successful in hiding her real feelings. She heard Kelley’s feet shuffle away.

She counted to ten so that she could let go of her anger.

 

\\\

 

Well apparently counting to ten was not enough.

She probably needed to count to a million. When she saw Christen waving at her from her spot in the parking lot and she saw Kelley walking up to her girlfriend, she lost it. It was an instant rage that filled her.

That rage was finding itself in Alex’s system a lot these days.

“Kelley. I WANT YOU TO FUCKING MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”

Alex hated that her words and her timing resulted in Christen looking so confused. She had done this in front of Christen on purpose. And she knew it.

“Al... what’re you...” the big of them were looking at her as they were in the process of getting into Christen’s car.

“I want you to mind your own damn business.” Alex said with a low growl as she closed the distance between her and the couple.

“What did I-“

“I TOLD YOU. I told you that I didn’t want my family there!”

She saw Kelley’s fall even more.

“How did you-“

“It doesn’t matter! I don’t want to go through this again with you! I told you what I wanted and you did the absolute fucking OPPOSITE!” Alex wasn’t foaming at the mouth but she envisioned in her head that she was.

“Al. It was just supposed to be a nice surprise.” Kelley said softly. She closed the passenger door to Christen’s car.

“Fuck surprises.”

“Wait, Alex didn’t know that you were buying the tickets?” Christen asked curiously.

“I told you. And you didn’t even respect my wishes.” Alex said sadly. The fight was dying down and she knew that her anger shouldn’t be intense because Kelley’s expression was devastated. But Alex was still so drained from the divorce. She still didn’t know how to trust anyone ever again.And still so hurt.

“I just wanted you to know that there’s people who love you...” Kelley explained.

“Kelley!” Alex sighed. She yelled her name in frustration and she wanted to kill her yet take her into a hug because Kelley looked so scared of Alex’s reaction.

“Don’t.” Alex said defeatedly.

“I... Kell I-. Kelley just please. Don’t do that. Okay? Sometimes...fuck.”

Alex looked over at Christen’s curious face. Alex sighed again.

“Sometimes, your love is just too much. And sometimes it just gets in the fucking way and someone will get hurt.” She said as she waved in Christen’s general direction. That was the reason that Alex wanted to say this in front of Christen, knowing that her point would be made if her reasoning was tied to her girlfriend. They all knew that she was referencing what Christen has been saying to the woman in front of her for the last nine months.

“And this is hurting me. This is you not caring about what I wanted.” Alex said. She echoed Christen’s words from the recent months back at Kelley.

Kelley looked more hurt than ever at the wound Alex had reopened for a second. Christen just looked away.

“Just send me the receipt for the tickets. I’ll pay you back.” She said before she turned to walk away and find her own car.

 

  
//

 

  
“So...” she watched as Christen held her fork midair and chewed on the lettuce of her salad and observed her.

“Don’t say it.” Alex replied as she furiously wiped her napkin across her lips to get the mustard from her burger off.

Christen just chuckled as she finished her salad.

“I don’t want to repeat all of this. I really fucking don’t.”

“Then why did you bring it up?” Christen asked. The smirk was in full effect.

Alex’s shoulders dropped. She was still stuck in the middle of feeling bad and feeling beyond pissed at Kelley’s actions. It had been a week since Jeri’s accidental text, and they had avoided each other like the plague this whole camp.

“I feel like the roles have reversed at this table.” Christen said. Their small smiles were comments on the past nine months and appreciation of the journey that had brought them even closer when Christen had broken up with Kelley.

“Didn’t you tell me to just think about the grand scheme of it all? To keep the ones you love close? And to work through-“

“Yes yes yes yes.” Alex huffed. She took another furious bite from her burger that she was definitely not supposed to be eating on the night before her 100th cap.

“She didn’t cheat on you...” Christen said softly. “She didn’t break into your friend’s car. She tried to get your family out. C’mon. It’s Kelley...”

She knew this already. Alex just didn’t want to hear it from the woman that had forgiven Kelley for stepping out on her for a hot second during a tumultuous time in their relationship. Kelley’s transgression against Alex were nothing compared to those against the woman across from her.

“And I had a convo with her about her love being too much.” Christen said quietly. 

Alex sighed. If she could, she would take those words back. It wasn’t fair of her to use a phrase that haunted Kelley’s dreams for the past nine months. 

“You know that she loves you.”

Alex groaned. “I know.”

“I hope it’s not going to take nine months for you to forgive her for that. I mean I get you Al, but...”

Alex sighed again. Ml

“Just let me get through tomorrow.” She mumbled. “That’s all I want to focus on right now.”

“Okay. I’m cool with that.” Christen nodded like she was satisfied with that response.

“But I don’t know if Kelley will be.”

 

//

 

It was only for a second that Alex had broken from her concentration during her pre game phase. She was ready and focused. She was ready to take on the task of smiling in front of the whole world for two seconds. The cameras would be on her, they already were, and she would have to convince the world that she was happy and whole.

Easier said than done.

She could see the expectant and brightened smiles of the commentators and the way they were wanting a pre-game interview. Cameras were all aimed at her.

And that second that she had broken her concentration was when she felt Kelley’s hand brush hers on the way to her spot further up the line that her and her teammates were making to shuffle out of the tunnel. Alex could see from the subtle way Kelley’s head was turned to the left to get a quick look at her that the hand brush was intentional. It was a habit of Kelley’s ever since they were kids.

She stared at the back of Kelley’s head while she heard the music playing in the stadium quieted, and she could hear the crowd start to cheer.

Then she saw Kelley continue to walk past Alyssa and to the left into a door that Alex had no idea existed.

But she regained her focus and she held on tight to the little girl’s hand she was holding.

 

//

 

  
Her heart raced like she knew it would. She still felt a little pride when she heard the announcer say her name like it was synonymous with American soccer. And now, in that moment, that moment that she never knew would ever be possible as an angry 20 year old at Stanford doubting her ability, she realized that she had in fact, made it.

This was the dream.

Alex felt like maybe she didn’t have to pretend to be happy for the cameras. That maybe she could just be.

She was standing apart from the starting lineup all by herself. Alex knew that it was customary to have loved ones present to stand with her as she got honored, but this is what she had asked for. And as the woman continued to announce a summary of Alex’s soccer accolades, she realized that...maybe she did have to keep the ones she loved close. Because now...everyone felt so far away.

Alex had only ever experienced her ears temporarily going deaf and her mind in too much shock to process, only once before in her life like she was experiencing now. It was when Sydney Leroux told her a lifetime ago that Kelley was dead.

And now it was happening again as she looked up to see so many strangers in the crowd cheering for her. She knew that the speech about her was wrapping up because of the body language of the staff and team in front of her, and she hoped that her limbs would function.

Then the announcer said something about her 100th jersey. Usually it was the US Soccer President presenting it, but if she were honest she didn’t know what the announcer was sayung because he didn’t have the jersey in his hand. But what she did know was that the sight of Christen walking up to a spot near the President as she held onto a jersey that looked like the one Alex was wearing, made her want to cry.

Her family did show up after all.  
She still didn’t hear any sound, and maybe it was because every other part of her body couldn’t function because of the paralyzing feeling of gratitude that drowned her heart, when she wordlessly watched Christen walk up to her with this look that asked ‘Did you really think I was going to let you be alone for this?”

“Thank you.” Alex said softly when she wrapped her arms around Christen’s neck. It wasn’t a whisper because Christen would have never been able to hear it in this packed stadium, but it was low and intimate enough. She clung on tight for a very long time and she squeezed her eyes shut so that she could tell her best friend what this little gesture meant.

Alex was so wrong and so stupid. She would never want to celebrate this alone. She pulled away to smile at Christen.

“I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you.” She said with a serious nod to her head.

But Christen just shrugged.

“You don’t need to.” she said, echoing some very powerful words that were exchanged between them more than a decade ago. Alex squeezed Christen’s hand.

“But I do think that you need to thank her. Those cost a shit ton of money.” Christen said when she nodded to someone behind Christen.

She turned around to see 32-year-old Kelley O'Hara holding beautiful pink flowers in her hands, looking at her like Alex still had a really huge piece of her heart.

It was more beautiful than a 20 year old Kelley O’Hara doing the same thing back in the day, because in this moment Alex knew that even if it was in a different capacity, that Kelley would love her forever. 

Kelley gave her that bashful smirk that she knew originated during their time together.

“Why do you do that?” Alex questioned with a soft smile.

“Why do you always have to be a good person?”

Her heart melted a little at the sight of Kelley’s bright smile.

“Because I’m not an asshole. And that’s all you need to know.” Kelley said with a wink.

She brought Kelley into a hug and she clung on tight to her, too. After all, the two of them were family.

When she pulled away, Kelley was still looking at her, holding her in her spot when the cameras were lining up for Alex to take a pic with her 100th jersey and pink flowers, with the ones she loved.

And that stare, just like it did back in the day, made it feel like it was only her and Kelley in this stadium in that point in time.

“I think you and I did this-“ Alex waved her hand at Kelley and herself, “we did it right the second round.”

It felt like they did. They had been there for each other for the majority of their lives. They had been through so much as a couple, and as friends. But this time, this second go at a relationship that was just as strong as their first one, this one felt right.

“I fell in love with someone else,” Kelley’s eyes flitted to Christen and then back to her. The freckled woman nodded and she smiled softly.

“But my first love and these flowers...I mean fuck Alex Morgan...those things are for you and only you-,” Kelley handed the flowers to Alex, who took it graciously.

“You’re the only one.” Kelley said, reminding her that Alex was the one that taught her how to love. She was the only one that could do that for Kelley.

Alex Morgan didn't know that back in the day, but she did now.

 

 

 


	2. I’d do anything for you, including making you stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who takes out the trash?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some answers if you had any questions about how they’re doing. In attempt to stretch my capabilities in taking small/random prompts and ideas and running with them.

++

  
Christen had her hand on her hips even though she knew that this sight of her was probably stereotypical of the nagging girlfriend, but that’s exactly what she had to be right now.

It had already been three weeks of offseason and she usually let this aggravating habit of Kelley’s go, but Christen was on her period, and she had a shitty day, and she had just spent close to 45 minutes unsuccessfully cleaning the pan that Kelley had promised to clean four days ago.

  
It was not a task she really wanted to do when she came home from a demanding photo shoot.

  
Christen heard the usual whistled tune of Kelley’s favorite song and her car keys jingle along with her steps, and Christen couldn’t help but roll her eyes. She knew that she needed to get out all of her frustration out now before Kelley walked through the door.

  
“Hey you.”

  
Christen stood in her spot and didn’t close the distance in between them and meet Kelley halfway, like she usually did.

  
“What’s wrong?” Kelley asked with a cautious stare. She slowly put her keys down onto the table, and threw her wallet down next to them from her back pocket.

  
“Did you take out the trash like I asked you to?” She asked, knowing very well that no, Kelley had not taken the trash out like Christen had asked her to.

  
Kelley’s nervous tendency to scratch at the back of her neck was giving her guilt away.

  
“And this!”

  
She pointed at the pan that was soaking in the sink when Kelley walked into the kitchen.

  
“What about it?” Kelley asked.

  
That response was the worst response she could have given. And Christen most certainly did not get rid of all of her frustration before Kelley walked in, like she was planning to.Because apparently she needed ten minutes of lecture to give Kelley before she really went off on her.

  
And as usual, Kelley grabbed a lollipop from the jar on the counter that she affectionately labeled as her ‘power snack jar’ that contained sweets that kept her awake when she was put into timeout and was getting a stern and boring talking to. Halfway through, Kelley was sitting on the kitchen counter with her legs swinging side to side and she was making no attempt to even fake that she was listening to Christen.

And this time, today, right now, this usually harmless habit of Kelley’s to lighten the mood, really pissed Christen off more than usual. Other times, Kelley would remind her of the grand scheme of things and calm her down when she was really ticked off, but today was different.

  
“You know what? I’m just done.” Christen said as she threw her gloves into the sink and walked away. Because yeah this was Kelley being Kelley, but her lack of respect for their shared area, and for Christen herself she thought, had really gotten to her.

  
“I said I was gonna clean it.” Kelley said with a groan as she hopped off the counter and followed her.

  
“You always say you’re gonna clean it. You ALWAYS promise you’re gonna do it when you get back from the gym. But you never do.” She pushed.

  
“Chris. Don’t be mad.” Kelley said with a sigh.

  
Kelley called her name again when she continued to walk away.  
There arguments always ended up like this: Christen giving a lecture, and Kelley acting like nothing was a big deal.

  
“Chris, I’m gonna wash the dishes. Chill out.”

  
Those two words at the end of Kelley response were a sure fire way to guarantee that Christen was not gonna attempt to even sleep in the same bed as Kelley that night.

  
“You have no respect for our space.”

  
“You’re being dramatic.” Kelley waved her off.

 

++

 

“I took the trash out.”

  
“Thanks.” Christen murmured. She had gotten home from her really long run that she took to get away from their home for a little bit. It had been a four mile run that she was surprised she could still do. It had been a long while since her soccer days.

  
Kelley was sitting on the couch with her eyes on the TV and a cookie in her hand, and her tail in between her legs when Christen had walked through the front door.

  
Kelley never really watched TV by herself. She only did it when they were fighting. She only sat on their couch and stared at a TV in a sly attempt to casually plant herself by Christen so that she could start a conversation. It was a habit of Kelley’s that Christen caught onto back in their Stanford days.

  
“I made you some.” Kelley said when she turned her whole body to face her and offered up a cookie to her girlfriend who kept walking towards their bedroom.

  
“Thanks Kell.” She replied in an exhausted tone without taking the offer.

She shot Kelley a small and tired expression before she put her headphones onto the top of the dining room table and then walked through the back door to their backyard and sat on their patio and picked up the book she left on the table out there to read in silence. It was her way of telling Kelley that she was still pissed off.

  
++

  
“I washed it.” Kelley said quickly when Christen had an inquiring look to see what mess Kelley had left behind when she made dinner for one because Christen said she wasn’t hungry and she just wanted an apple.

  
“Okay.” Christen said with a nod before she took one sly glance at the sink to see that it was in fact, empty of dirty dishes. She just made her way to their bedroom so that she could change out of her clothes and unwind before she were to spend tonight on the couch.

  
But when she walked into the bedroom, she just shook her head and rolled her eyes.

  
Their bedroom was spotless. And it was only ever spotless when Kelley knew that she had fucked up.

 

++

 

“Why are you out here?”  
She heard the small voice of Kelley behind her book. She put it down to see her girlfriend sitting by her feet, nervously picking at the frayed edges of the blanket that was thrown over Christen’s feet as she laid on the couch.

  
“To chill out.” Christen said with a bite before she raised her book back up to eye level so that Kelley would get the hint.

  
“Well come back to the room.” Kelley slightly begged after a bout of silence.  
Christen sighed.

  
“Not tonight, Kell.”

  
…

  
“But I took the trash out. I washed the dishes.” Kelley explained.

“So?”

  
“So then why are you still mad at me? I did what you asked.” Kelley looked sad and confused.

  
“I shouldn’t have to tell you.” Christen chastised.

  
Kelley’s shoulders dropped when she realized that she hadn’t solved the problem.

  
“How many times did you take out the trash?”

  
“I mean…Chris…I emptied it. I don’t think that I could throw the trash back in so that I can empty it multiple ti-“

  
“How many times have you taken the trash out this past three weeks?”

  
Kelley scratched her head.

  
“I don’t kn-“

“One time. Just now. Just tonight.”

Christen put her book down. “You know how many times you took it out the last time you had a break?”

  
Kelley furrowed her brow as she tried to think that far back.

  
“You took it a total of zero times last month. And before that, you took it out one time and left the bag by the side of the trash and let the raccoons tear it up..” Christen pushed.

  
“Okay. Chris I didn’t mean to drop the ball on this, but it’s just the trash babe. It’s just a few dishes.” Kelley defended as she scooted up closer to her girlfriend and gripped her tightly so that she could keep her tethered to her.

  
“It’s not.” Christen said seriously. She sighed. “You said that you were going to be around more this time. You said that you wanted this house to be our home and that you’d help out more and when you’re here, you’re here. And I’ve been waiting for this off-season so that I can finally have you for more than a few days out of the month, but if it’s gonna be like this then I’m not gonna be happy. I’m not the fucking maid, Kell.”

  
“I didn’t say you were.” Kelley said with a hurt expression that formed into a genuine pout.

  
“This isn’t the 50s. I’m not your housewife who spends her days making sure your dinner is made before you get home and all of your shirts are ironed. That’s your job.”

  
“I know you’re not.” Kelley responded sadly as she looked down at her hands.

  
“This is your house too. You’re allowed to take care of it.” Christen said pointedly.

  
Kelley looked up to meet her eyes.

  
“We didn’t buy this house so that you could be a guest in it like you were in the last one.” Christen said quietly.

Her resentment at Kelley’s absence was starting to come out and she hated that.  
The real problem was finally revealed.

  
She felt Kelley take the book out of her hands and she watched her girlfriend put it on the table before she gently maneuvered body so that she was holding Christen and she was snuggling into her neck.

  
“I’m sorry.” Kelley whispered.

  
Christen sighed in response. She ran her fingers through Kelley’s ponytail as she looked down to see her girlfriend holding onto her torso tight.

  
“I know it’s not fair to you. I’m sorry.” Kelley said again, squeezing Christen a little tighter. It was a shitty situation.

  
“Sometime I just want you to act like we have a normal life. Like we can spend a whole month together before you fly out somewhere. Like I can be mad at you for not taking out the trash every week. Because that’s what normal couples fight about.” Christen said, tiredly.

  
Kelley picked her head up to look at Christen and then she nodded.

  
“And sometimes I feel like you’ve forgotten how to do these household things with me like you used to do when you fell in love with me.” Christen explained.

  
That domestic part of their life had died when Kelley had signed a contract for a couple of committed seasons in France, and that fact was really weighing down on Christen. They were in their second year of Kelley spending most of her time overseas  for her career.

  
“I love you.” Kelley said as she squeezed onto Christen tighter. “I haven’t forgotten how to show you that, have I?”

  
Christen looked down at the Kelley’s face.  
She knew that Kelley’s love for her was probably even stronger than when they were kids (if that was even possible) but she knew that all she was focusing on right now was how her life with Kelley was different from when they were kids .

  
She never knew as a lovestruck teenager that she was going to be in her thirties begging for the life they had when she could tell Kelley to take out the trash and Kelley was invisible.

  
Christen could see it on her face that Kelley was truly saddened by what Christen was telling her.

  
Christen went back to stroking Kelley’s hair when she found refuge in the crook of her own neck.

  
She let her fingers trail through her girlfriend’s mane as she thought about the good morning calls Kelley always gave her even though it was two in the morning in France. She thought about the random surprise visits, and the handwritten “I love you” letters that were mailed to Christen every once in awhile, and the two hours it usually took for Kelley to release her tight hold on Christen when she came back home from a long week or month out of the country. 

“No. You do still show me you love me.” Christen said softly. It was the truth.

  
The softened smile was slow to come back on Kelley’s face as they lazily laid on the couch together. They both knew that they would have to get through this part of their life, just like they did when they were long distance and Christen was still in college. The logistics of who was gonna take out the trash when they were together would get figured out (Christen knew that it was going to be her) .  
Because the way Kelley was looking at her, well that at least never changed. It was still the same. And it was still worth it. 

  
“We gonna go back to the bed?” Christen said when she disturbed their relaxing quiet.

  
Kelley shook her head as she burrowed even further into Christen’s side and cocooned the both of their bodies with the blanket over them.

  
Neither of them were going to get up to turn off the lamp that Christen had on to read because they were way too comfortable in each other’s arms.

  
“Do you want me to come back?” Kelley asked.

  
“No.”

  
_Yes_.

  
“I’d do anything for you.” Kelley pushed. “Do you want me to come back to the states?”

”I want you to be here. But most importantly I want you to be happy.” Christen reasoned. 

Just because she’s let Kelley leave at every stage in their lives and at every stage in their relationship, didn’t mean that it became easier. It just became easier to say those words. Because Kelley not playing, that didn’t feel right either. 

“I want you to tell me to stay.” Kelley said seriously. 

Christen just shifted a little to look at her. 

“Kell-“

“I want you to want me here. I want you to stop me from going on that plane. And I want you to stop letting me go.”Kelley said fiercely. 

Christen just stared at Kelley in shock. This is the first she’s ever heard Kelley express this thought. 

“I miss you. Like all the time. And every time I leave, I feel like- like there’s a huge part of me that I left behind. And after all this shit that happened, I don’t want come back home to find that someone else has taken better care of it.”

Christen gulped down the emotions that were threatening to burst. She was referencing those nine months  

“I hate seeing you leave.” Christen said quietly. 

“And I hate it when you let me leave.” Kelley responded. 

“Tell me to come back.” Kelley pleaded. 


	3. Vintage Kelley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing is believing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of Important Homecomings

 ++

The feeling of sand was a little strange. But so was the sensation of the California sun. Alex forgot how good the both of those things felt. As her feet sank a little into the shore, she realized that these were essentials in life, and no matter how beautiful her life overseas was, this sea, and this shore, felt like home. 

It was home. 

Alex: thank you

She sent Christen a quick text when she spotted the small figure of another person, another essential in her life. 

It was a one that she thought she would never have again in this life. The sight of this person. 

Alex felt the sand shift under her feet as she slowly walked towards the towel that must have been Kelley’s since it had Christen’s Stanford rain jacket piled on top of Kelley’s other stuff that was left unattended. 

She rolled her eyes. Alex has told her so many times when they were together to quit leaving her shit around because she was too trusting of people.

But, Kelley was a grown woman. And Alex knew that there were some things about Kelley that would never change.

So Alex just sat on the sand and let the sea breeze and the sun envelop her as she watched Kelley ride a wave. It felt like old times. All that was missing was Tobin laying next to her, passed out from the surfing, and Sydney sipping on a red cup with a magazine in her hand and sunglasses over her eyes. But the sand, the sun, and her first love paddling back to the shore, those were the most important things back in the day, and they were so now for this moment. 

Alex saw the way Kelley’s steps faltered when she recognized the stranger who was sitting on the towel she had left her stuff by. 

Then she saw her smile big. 

Alex smirked. It was still satisfying to make Kelley react this way. It validated things that she didn’t need validation so much anymore, but was still kind of nice to have it. 

Alex knew that when Kelley spent an extended season on the beach that her freckles popped out even more, and the first thing she noticed was that there were way more on the woman’s skin then the last time she saw her. Which, ironically, yet fatefully, was on this same piece of land of this beach. 

And it was nice to know that the image of Kelley walking away from her that night that Kelley disappeared could be replaced by the image she was looking at now. The sight of Kelley O'hara walking to her.

It was this moment, none really before, that Alex Morgan felt whole again. 

She thought so when she moved to another country and she had found happiness for Christen, but it really was in this moment. Kelley was not on the TV, not on YouTube, not on the screen of her phone when she FaceTimed her. This woman right here wasn’t a digital fixture, but an actual human being. 

And now, Alex finally got to see her first love again.

“What?” Kelley asked with a smirk on the corner of her lips when she walked up to Alex. 

“You look a lot different.” Alex said. She took off her sunglasses and put it on her head. 

“How so?” Kelley asked when she stuck her board in the sand and searched for the answer in Alex’s eyes.

“You look a lot happier.” She said softly. 

And she meant it. 

Again, Kelley’s steps faltered. It looked like she wasn’t so sure of what her next actions should be. But her hesitation was only there for a second before she sat down next to her first love. 

“You do too.” Kelley said with a reassuring nod. She put her hand on Alex’s knee before she found Alex’s hand to hold onto. She looked down at their intertwined hands and a wave of bittersweet nostalgia. Because it didn’t feel the same as it used to, but it still felt like something important. 

“How’s Christen?” Alex asked. 

She observed the way Kelley’s face sort of lit up at the mention of her girlfriend and the animated way her eyes told a story about the gift she got for their anniversary. Alex knew that the sophomore really was the light of Kelley’s life by the way she looked when she talked about her. 

“She’ll be excited to know you’re back.” Kelley said when she gave Alex’s hand a squeeze. “Have you told her?”

“Yep. She’s the one that told me you were here.” Alex said with a smile. It warmed her inside to see Kelley appreciate what the two women in her life do for each other.

“She really is something.” Alex added. “I…I care about her. It’s kinda funny. But I’m glad that I’ll have another year with her.”

“You gonna go easy on her now that you two like each other?” Kelley asked with a smirk when she maneuvered out of her wet suit to put on some dry clothes. 

Alex snorted. “No.”

“Good.” Kelley said with satisfaction. 

“But how are you?” Kelley asked when she finished putting on her dry clothes and she put on this cardinal red jacket that made her look like vintage Kelley. The only difference now was that there was a #23 stitched on the hem, instead of #13. 

The difference between those numbers felt like the number of years that had passed the last time she saw Kelley in a Stanford jacket. It wasn't reality, but nevertheless it felt like a decade ago.

“I’m good. Like really good.” Alex reassured. 

They talked about soccer and they talked about life, and for a few hours it kind of felt like it used to when Alex was buying clothes for an invisible girl that she loved so much to help her find love again. But for Alex, she knew that she was still a little bit more mesmerized by this interaction than her ex-girlfriend was. 

Kelley playfully pouted when it was apparent that Alex wasn’t listening to her story about her and Sydney’s shenanigans, and Alex was just looking at the lines of Kelley’s face and she was tracing her thumb over her jawline in the middle of her story.

“Sorry.” Alex chuckled. 

“I just haven’t seen you in a  _long_ _time.”_ She explained softly. The sorrow and heartbreak in that fact was layered in her voice.

Kelley’s eyes softened, as well. 

“I just didn’t think this would ever happen again. Ya know?” 

Kelley nodded. Because seeing each other in person felt like they were seeing each other for the first time. But it was different, as the both knew it would be, from the time when they were 19 and they didn’t know much about each other, other than that they had a connection.  a beautiful and intense one.

“For me, it’s a little different.” Kelley said. “I mean I’ve been seeing you. I’ve been looking at you. And I was around even when I didn’t answer when you called for me. So I remember what you looked like. I know what you feel like.” 

Kelley grabbed the hand of Alex’s that was still on her face. 

“But it doesn’t hurt anymore.” Kelley said gently. “Because now I know what you look like when you see me now, even if I’m in love with someone else.”

“What do I look like?” Alex asked curiously. 

“A much happier Alex Morgan.” Kelley said. 

Alex looked down at the sand in an attempt to calm the tears that wanted to form and to temper her stomach and her breathing at these words that she’s yearned for a long time for someone to use to describe her. 

“Thank you for letting me go.” Kelley said earnestly. 

“Because I don’t think I ever would have if you didn’t let me. Because you’re even hotter than you were back when we were together.” Kelley smirked and Alex playfully rolled her eyes. And through their chuckles, they both understood the significance and true nature of those words. 

“Yeah.” Alex nodded gently. “This smile on your  face has everything to do with the fact that you don’t love me anymore.”

The sound of those words didn’t sound right when she replayed it in her head and she saw the furrowed brow of Kelley across from her. Kelley still had the most powerful gazes. 

“I still love you.” Kelley said a little indignantly. “Why would you say that?”

She felt the shift in the mood. Alex put her hand on Kelley’s arm to calm her. She didn’t blame Kelley for her reaction. 

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Alex offered gently. And she tugged Kelley a little harder when she could see the anger in Kelley’s face grow. And the tug was to warn her to come back to earth. Alex wondered for a second if Christen had figured out how to temper Kelley’s rising temper yet. 

“Stop.” Alex said gently. 

“Then why’d you say it like that?” Kelley asked. The pain she felt at Alex’s well intentioned, yet tactless words, intensified. 

“I just mean that you’re happy a-and that of course I would let you go for you to have this. That’s it Kell.” Alex said gently. 

Kelley still looked hurt. 

“We both let each other go. We both let each other have this. And this is what I wanted. What you wanted. Remember?” Alex continued. 

“I found myself. And you found  _yourself._ That’s what you told me. Remember?” 

Kelley put her head down in between her knees to hide her sadness she had at Alex’s words, but she nodded. 

“Kelley.” Alex nudged her so that she would look at her. There was no point in perpetuating bad memories with Kelley O’Hara on this beach. Eventually Kelley resurfaced. 

“You and I don’t have to do this again.” Alex reminded her gently. She pushed the frizzy flyaways from Kelley’s face in an affectionate manner because Kelley still looked like a sad puppy. 

“I love you. I always will.” Kelley said with a plea for Alex to understand. 

“And I’m sure of it.” Alex explained. 

"I’m so sure of our days, and I know we had our time. I know it. I know it enough to not need you to tell me again in my life for me to believe it. That’s how well you loved me. I know that now. Okay?”

Kelley eventually nodded. And Alex leaned over to kiss Kelley on the cheek in an attempt to platonically soothe their heartache. She breathed into Kelley when she felt the woman’s hand behind her head and felt the way Kelley was telling her not to pull away so that they could have this last moment. 

Because 19-year-old Alex and Kelley deserved this last moment. 

Present day Alex felt the way Kelley’s arms embraced her further so that 19-year-old Alex would know, would really understand, that they gave it their all. And that Kelley, both past and present, really did mean it when she said that she loved her that one day on the couch when she was playing video games. 

Before they got up to leave, when they eventually broke apart, Alex looked at Kelley again and noted all of the physical differences of present Kelley, and the Kelley she knew in the past. 

“ _Miss me?”_

In her head, she heard 20-year-old  Kelley ask her that when she finally came to life after being saved from the harsh course of the ocean. 

_Yeah. I’ll miss you._

And the way Kelley held onto her hand all the way to her car before they got in to go meet Christen for dinner, she got the message Kelley was trying to tell her:

_I’ll miss you too._

 

++


	4. Those Bedsheets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 1 of nine months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to forever kee the warm and fuzzy feelings of ARP with you, DON'T read this update. it's been mentioned before in later chapters of their lives.

Christen Press never wanted to see Kelley again.

Ever. 

The sight burned. It singed something permanent into her soul. It ached, it stung, and for a moment she was paralyzed from the pain. But the pain, the actual physical and corporal pain was the first emotion she could actually register in her mind. 

She was standing there for what must have been six seconds, but it sort of felt like an eternity. This silent moment that was just filled with heavy and guilty pants of breath, fearful eyes, and clothes thrown on the floor that she weren’t hers, well it felt like forever. 

She had heard the sounds even before she had opened the door, but maybe because she was a masochist, she forced herself  to open it and face it. 

“Christen.”

She absolutely hated the eyes and the scared face of this woman that she didn’t even recognize anymore when her name was called. Christen hated the woman. 

“T-t-this isn’t what it looks like.”

Christen nodded. She didn’t know why she nodded. It’s not like she believed that idiotic comment that Kelley had uttered out of panic when she was hastily putting her T-shirt back on. 

Christen thought that maybe she was nodding because she was finally understanding that this was not a nightmare. This wasn’t a tortuous dream that held her captive in her slumbers. 

She figured it out. 

She nodded to tell herself:

_Yes Christen, Kelley is cheating on you._

And of course it was with the blonde that Kelley had said she wasn’t into. 

Christen sort of snickered, a disgusted chuckle, when she registered the blonde hair and the long legs that were sprawled out on the bed sheets that she had bought months ago. They were the soft lavender ones that had shapes like waves on them. They are-were Christen’s favorite because it was a set that had fully matched both her and Kelley’s personalities. 

Those months back then, she had thought it was so important to find pieces for their home that would represent both her and Kelley together. Especially if this piece was what they were going to make love on.

Now, in this moment, she could see blonde hair fanned out over it and she could see the makeup girl that Kelley said she had no feelings for, lying her head on Christen’s favorite pillow. There would always be reminders of this moment. No matter how many times she were to wash it, Christen knew that she would find a blond hair on it or her clothes. 

Those bedsheets, that bed, that girl…well those were things in this house that ensured that her and Kelley would never ever, ever ever, be together again. 

“Wait!”

She didn’t want to feel anything. She didn’t want to have something touch her. Christen’s skin felt like it was crawling. She felt like she wanted to throw up. So all of these sensations made her walk quicker to the suitcase she had left by the front door. 

“Hey, Wait!”

Christen could hear Kelley’s bare feet slip across the wooden floors, but she didn’t turn around to see if it were sound of Kelley chasing after her. 

“Christen! Wait.”

She had reached the handle of her suitcase swiftly and was about to make it out the door quick enough to never have to look back at Kelley again, but the door was locked. 

Her shoulders sagged because for a split second she remembered the second, moments ago, when she had initially entered this house and she could feel something different about it. There was something in the air. Christen had kept her hand on the lock because it felt very strange in her house. Her hand had slipped and locked her inside when she had heard the voice of someone she didn’t recognize, calling out Kelley’s name. 

And now, this lock and the inconvenience it was causing this getaway, was killing her. 

“Christen. Wait, I can explain-“

She felt Kelley’s hand on her shoulder. She threw it/hit it off her. Christen was disgusted. She didn’t want anyone to touch her, let alone the biggest disappointment of a person on this Earth. 

Her skin definitely crawled. And now she wanted to take a shower. She didn’t know where she would take one, but it wouldn’t be in this house that she didn’t even know how long this other woman had been staying in. 

She turned the lock, she opened the door, and she could see the daylight start to pour in. 

“Wait. Where are you going?” She felt an arm loop around her torso and tugging her back inside. Christen could hear the fear in Kelley’s voice, but for once, really the only time in her life, she didn’t give a fuck about Kelley’s feelings. 

She pried that hand that gripped her so affectionately back in the day from around her and with such force, managed to get her suitcase from out of the hard grip of Kelley’s other hand that was pulling it back. 

“No. Don’t go!” Kelley pleaded when she had pulled the suitcase back to trap Christen back in. 

Christen hated that she had to turn around and see Kelley again. That she had to look at her, and her inside-out stanford T-shirt, the one sock she had on, and her unbuttoned shorts. Christen had  never found someone more unattractive.

“Where are you going?” Kelley begged of her. 

Christen wanted the sound of the wheels of her suitcase on the pavement to drown out the sound of Kelley and  the billions of thoughts in Christen’s head. 

The trunk of her car was slammed shut before she could even lift her luggage to throw into it. 

“I can explain!” Kelley demanded of her when she had shut the trunk closed and Christen was forced to look at her. 

“Don’t fucking walk away from me!” 

As swift as the shutting of the door, came the hand of Christen’s swinging across Kelley’s face. 

Whether it was right or wrong, she didn’t want Kelley to EVER talk to her like that again. 

“No.” The woman softly begged of Christen to understand. To tell her  _No, I love you. Don’t leave._

Kelley looked so heartbroken as she touched the spot where Christen had hit her. This was the first time this has happened between them. They never knew they would get to this point. But here they were. 

And what made this moment ever more final, was that she didn’t care. 

She didn’t care if Kelley was hurt. 

Because Christen was destroyed. 

She registered moments of numbness when Kelley forcibly brought her into this kiss that felt desperate and  pleading, but there was nothing Christen had that she was going to give Kelley anymore. There was nothing left. 

It was rough and sloppy and tacky and she felt repulsed by the taste of someone else on Kelley’s mouth. 

She pushed her off. 

“I love you.” Kelley said when she had a firm grip on Christen’s arm that was proving a large obstacle to getting to the car. 

“Let go.” Christen said with her jaw clenched and her voice in a low growl. 

She abandoned her suitcase. She wasn’t going to need it to survive. All she wanted was to leave and never come back and erase Kelley from her memories. 

“No.” Came Kelley’s small voice. Christen’s voice was a warning. So Kelley’s grip loosened a little but she was still following and holding onto her as she closed the distance to the door. 

“Let go!”

“No!”

“Kelley! Fucking let go!”

“No!” Kelley asserted. She was strong enough to bring an unwilling Christen closer to her when Kelley finally started sobbing. Her fingers were prying Christen so hard to keep her here as she begged over and over to not leave her. 

“I can’t live without you!”  Kelley explained when Christen had finally wiggled from Kelley’s hands but looked like she was going to be stationary for a moment. 

“It didn’t mean anything.”

Christen scoffed. 

“It didn’t!” Kelley yelled. 

“I love you! ONLY YOU!” The veins in Kelley’s forehead were bulging as she begged Christen to believe her. 

“Fuck off.” Christen said. She kept walking. 

“Where are you going??” Kelley’s voice was definitely shaky with her sobs. 

“Somewhere you’re not.” Christen said without turning around. She could feel Kelley following her but she was so close to the driver seat door. 

“You’re always somewhere I’m not!” Kelley yelled. She threw a fit. She knocked the side mirror clean off the side of Christen’s car when she yelled that statement.

“Why can’t you just stay here for one second and act like you love me?!?” Kelley asked when Christen had finally opened the door. She didn’t need the mirror. 

Then she closed it. Locked it. 

The silence of the car was deadly. It insulated the world from the heartbreak she was feeling. You can’t hide anything in the silence. 

“Open the door. Please.” Kelley’s voice was muffled. 

That was the last thing she was going to do. 

“Don’t leave me. Please. Please don’t leave me.”

The pain, it was physically spreading everywhere. Christen gripped the steering wheel right. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you! Christen please!!”

_What you have been doing without me.  Who you’ve been doing without me._

She turned her head to the side to see Kelley with her face in her hands. 

Maybe for a second she felt pity. Here was the woman whom she’s spent the majority of her life with, looking devastated. 

“I wish-Christen please! I wish I can take it all back! I’m- it didn’t mean anything! You mean everything to me! I can fix this! Let me fix it!”

Christen pushed the button to start the engine. 

Kelley desperately pulled on the door handle several times before she started to pound on Christen’s window to get her attention, to stop her from leaving. 

“I LOVE YOU!” Kelley roared. The spit from her mouth hit the window. She was red in the face. 

Christen took her hand off the gear shift. She rolled down the window. 

It seemed like a white flag. 

“I want you to be home more. I don’t want you flying all over for your shoots! I want you here with me! You’re mine!” Kelley said in a childlike manner which she usually adopted when she didn’t get what she wanted. It usually came out when Christen wasn’t giving her enough attention. 

“Come back inside.” Kelley reverted back to her desperate voice as Christen just stared out in a zone through her windshield. 

_Where your girlfriend is?_

She thought again about the many times Kelley had scoffed when Christen had mentioned how star struck that blonde woman was whenever she was around Kelley. 

“ _I only have eyes for you.”_

_Or_

_“_ _She’s nothing compared to you. No one compares to you.”_

_Bullshit._

“I want you. You’re the only one.” Kelley said sadly. She said it in a way that signaled that it must be true. 

Christen nodded again. It all came down as a crashing wave. 

“You know what I want, Kell?” Christen asked when the both of them had been silent for a few seconds. The engine was still on and Kelley leaned in because this was one of Christen’s few responses to this whole ordeal. 

Christen turned to look at her. To look at her freckles. To look at her eyes. They were green now, they must have changed when Christen was in New York for work. 

“I want you to be invisible.”

Kelley looked like she got the wind knocked out of her. 

“So that I don’t ever have to look at you again.”


	5. Short Rope of Sanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a few flashes into those 9 months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO SENTENCE IN THIS UPDATE IS HAPPY. SOOOO YOUVE BEEN WARNED.

 

 

She felt the headache developing.

Christen watched Kelley storm around her room, grabbing the most random objects within her reach that belonged to Christen before she stomped back down the stairs, out the door to her car, dumped it in her backseat, and then repeated the steps. Christen felt too tired from all of the tears she had shed for the past few days, and she wasn’t really all there. She was exhausted and heartbroken, and really she didn’t have time to think about if she had eaten on the past days. Her brain shut off so that it could save her. If not, it would have warped itself into psychosis.

She watched silently as Kelley was getting more frantic with every trip she made to her car.

It wasn’t until Kelley had ripped Christen’s charger from the outlet, that she kicked her body into putting a stop to all of this.

“Kelley. Put that back.” She said with an exhausted voice.

“B-b-but you’re gonna need it at the house.” Kelley said, a little out of breath. She disobeyed Christen, and held onto it. Her eyes were frenzied. She looked like a mad woman.

“I’m not going back to the house.” Christen said when she stood up straight from her leaning position on the entryway of the spare bedroom in Channing’s home.

“Chris! I…” Kelley tossed the charger on the bed before her hands swept through her hair.

“I get that you’re mad. I do. I mean, I fucking deserve it.” Kelley said forcefully.

There was a pause. The silence affirmed Kelley’s statement.

“But come back.” Kelley begged from somewhere deep inside her core.

“You know that it hurts me when you leave.” Kelley said. Her devastated expression seemed to be a permanent fixture as of late. Christen didn’t know if the pain she was experiencing was because Kelley was hurting, or because of the confirmation that this woman that she loved, that she thought she knew, was sneaking around with someone else.

Sometimes, Kelley’s sad expression was painful, but sometimes it was satisfying. She felt it was her right to feel satisfied that Kelley was hurting. Because no matter how much she was hurting, Christen suffered more. Whether it was right or wrong, she felt it.

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t look at Kelley’s face.

“I wanna work on this.” Kelley said strongly. “We-our life together is worth working on!”

Christen folded her arms and with no fight in her at all, she just gave a deadened expression as a response.

“Come back.”Kelley pleaded again.

She quickly closed the distance between them like she felt she was privileged to do that still. Her hands found the soft skin of Christen’s cheek as her eyes tried to beg and to convey without words that her life would end if Christen did not move back.

But Christen turned her head. She stepped back from that gesture that used to feel so affectionate and so warm, but now felt desperate on Kelley’s part.

“I’ve told you so many times already.” Christen whispered. She peaked her eyes to finally look at her ex.

“Stop coming over here.” She said. It had an authority in it that would make anyone be at attention.

Kelley stepped back and looked away, and Christen knew that meant that the woman across from her was not going to listen. She was silently refusing all of the reasons that she anticipated Christen was going to use to get her to stop coming over to Channing’s.

They were going to have this conversation many more times. Kelley’s defiance was always strong.

“Channing’s told you. And I’ve told you.” Christen reminded her.

“STOP.” Kelley cried.

“I love you.” The woman said desperately. Her eyes found Christen again. That declaration sounded like it was the first time she ever said it to her.

But this was different.

“Put my stuff back.” Christen said seriously.

 She was not going to even respond to Kelley’s declaration. Anything like that was null and void in her mind since she had walked in on Kelley and that blonde.

“No.” Kelley whined.

She was going to be childish about it.

“I don’t want to fight with you.” Christen said through clenched teeth.

“THERE’S NO ONE ELSE I’D RATHER FIGHT WITH!” Kelley said in a fit.

She stepped forward like she wanted to kiss Christen, but Christen dodged that one too.

“Put my stuff back.” Christen said sadly.

“It’s my stuff, too!” Kelley retorted. “What’s mine is yours, and what’s yours-“

“Kell.” Christen sighed out the frustration that was riddling up her spine. She attempted to pull out some of her hairs from her scalp.

“We’re not married-“

“Not yet!” Kelley cried. Her face morphed into panic. The frenzy, the craziness in Kelley was awakened again. It was a moment, similar to ones she’s had in the past week, in which she realized Christen was slipping away.

“But I-I-I had plans- Chris, not yet, but that doesn’t mean-“ she was grasping, reaching for anything that would make Christen stay.

Christen turned around and walked out the room. She walked away from this conversation, and down the stairs. She didn’t want to hear it.

“Babe. I love you.” She heard Kelley’s soft cry behind her as she walked down the stairs.

“I made a mistake.”

_It wasn’t just a mistake._

“Let me fix it.” She could hear the tears that were already falling down Kelley’s face. She didn’t need to see her to know. And that connection and that familiarity, being able to just know someone because you’ve given your heart to them, was making Christen walk faster.

The consequences of love were long overdue.

Christen reached for the knob of the front door. She turned it and opened it wide and leaned on it so that Kelley had all the room to exit.

“Just talk to me.” Kelley begged.

Christen’s mouth remained shut. She looked down at her feet, because Kelley was standing in front of her.

“Don’t do that. Pay attention to me.” Kelley pleaded softly.

Christen remained in her silent state. Her face didn’t move, didn’t show much expression, but her body literally ached at those words. The nights she spent crying and unspooling the short rope of sanity she had left, she thought about how they ended up here.

She thought about what she did on her part, on her end of this relationship, that landed them here. Kelley a cheater, and Christen a hollowed out human, questioning everything.

Kelley’s words that night when she realized that Christen had moved out when Kelley was at her training, had replayed a million times.

_All I wanted was for you to pay attention to me! When’s the last time you’ve slept next to me?!_

She was pulled out of her sadness and her recollections when she felt Kelley’s lips on her neck, and her back on the wood of Channing’s front door. It sent a tingle, a flashback of early days, all throughout her body.

She envisioned Stanford, the smell of chocolate chip cookies, the sad face of Tobin Heath, and the feeling of Kelley’s body next hers every night. She remembered falling in love.

It felt so good that she closed her eyes.

Christen could feel Kelley’s hands travel up her body. She could feel her hot breath on her skin. It made her wonder: _when WAS the last time she’s slept next to Kelley? When was the last time she felt like this?_

“Stop.”

Christen pushed her away.

She regained her composure. Because the last time, the last image she had of Kelley in a bed, was their own. With another woman.

“You can bring all my stuff with you back to your house to make yourself feel better,” Christen said quietly.

“But you’re not bringing me back.”

 

 

~~

 

“Syd. I already told you that I don’t want to see her!” Christen cried.

She threw her purse into her car out of anger, and the feeling of being betrayed was crashing all around in her limbs.

“I know.” Sydney said seriously.

“But Christen-“

“No! I’ve already heard it!” She exclaimed. “Syd! You of all people-“

“Cp. I know.” Syd said with a sigh.

“This wasn’t my idea.”

That made Christen scoff.

“But Kelley has been INSUFFERABLE.” Syd explained.

“I don’t care!” Christen responded. She could see the figure of Kelley looking for them by the door of the restaurant. She saw when Kelley spotted them. She had to cut this conversation short if she wanted to be able to breath.

Christen quickly got into her car.

“CP. I’m sorry.” She heard Sydney say sadly before she turned the engine on and drove away.

 

++

 

“Whose side are you on?”

“No one’s.” Alex said matter of factly.

“If you want me to be honest, I’m on yours.” Tobin said lazily.

Alex looked scandalized. Christen was surprised.

“There are no sides to pick.” Alex warned Tobin. They had obviously talked about this, and Tobin was clearly going off script.

“You’re wasting your breath.” Christen said. 

“Christen. I get it. I do. But Kelley’s-“

“Starving.” Tobin finished Alex’s statement that was going to utilize a word less harsh.

“What?” Christen asked quietly. It was not that she didn’t hear, it was just that she knew what that meant, and she didn’t want to think about it.

“She’s not eating. Her appetite isn’t there.” Tobin said calmly as she lounged in the loveseat that Christen had bought for Channing’s living room.

“And she’s sick.” Alex said gravelly.

Christen’s heart sank.

“And she won’t eat anything I give her. Not even cookies.” Tobin added.

“She started throwing up two nights ago.”

“How do you know?” Christen asked quietly.

“It’s kinda hard to miss it, considering she looks like she’s lost 15 lbs in a few days.” Tobin said with a dry chuckle. Her show of indifference was alarming for Christen. It was a sign that Tobin was putting on a façade. Tobin was worried that history was going to repeat itself with Kelley’s health.

“I don’t think she’s gonna be called up this camp.” Alex said quietly.

“There’s no way. I don’t even know if Kelley can jog a few yards before she passes out.” Tobin replied.

“Can you please go see her?” Alex begged.

Christen didn’t know if she could.

“What Kelley did was… “ Tobin didn’t finish her sentence.

“But I don’t think she will listen to anyone else. She needs to eat. And she needs you to tell her to.” Alex stated.

 

++

 

Kelley really did look thin. Way too thin. Her cheeks were sunken in and her skin was pale instead of her usual tan. She looked like a corpse when she opened the door.

The only sign of life was the way her eyes furiously scanned Christen up and down. She rubbed them, probably in an attempt to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating. Starvation can do that to you.

“You need to eat.” Christen said sadly. With how much resentment she felt towards this ghost in front of her, it hurt her to see that Tobin and Alex were not exaggerating.

“I’m not hungry.” Kelley said sadly. Because she didn’t know if Christen was gonna come in.

Christen expected that response. She pulled the paper bag with the in n out burgers and fries she brought for Kelley and held it out in front of her. She saw her ex eye that bag with hunger.

“You need to eat.” Christen said gently when she stuffed the bag into Kelley’s arms.

“I’m not asking. I’m telling you.” Christen said softly.

“I don’t want to eat.” Kelley said with slumped shoulders and her gaze aimed at her feet.

“Why not?” Christen asked.

“Because I don’t want to eat alone.” Kelley mumbled. Christen felt her stomach seize itself. She put her hand over it to calm the sadness her body was telling her she was experiencing.

For a second she just stood there. They didn’t look at each other. Christen remembered what it was like the first time she experienced Kelley’s deteriorating health when she didn’t have an appetite.

“I bought you three. Animal style. Like you like it.” Christen said when she grabbed the bag of food back and then entered the home without permission. She took the contents out of the bag and put onto the kitchen table that she hasn’t eaten at in three months.

“I’ll help you eat the fries. Okay?” Christen asked when she looked over at Kelley, who looked so scared and so hesitant. Like she wasn’t sure what to do next.

“But only if you eat it all. Slowly. I don’t want you to throw up because you ate too fast.” Christen said softly.

Kelley just stood there. Probably 15lbs underweight, so delicate and fragile, afraid that Christen was going to leave again.

Kelley eventually nodded.

They sat down next to each other. Kelley munched on her food slowly, while Christen patted down the flyaways from Kelley’s face, out of habit.

For now, they weren’t going to think about when there were no more fries to eat. They both just existed in whatever this moment was.

 

**

 

“She’s my friend, too.” Channing yelled.

But her older sister had put enough distance in between them, and had shut the door to close off this fight, for Christen to actually respond. She was getting pretty bad at conflict resolution these days.

There was no escape.

It was draining.

Being sad, being mad, she had no idea who she was anymore. This heartache that Kelley caused seemed to be her only identity. It was all she thought about, all that she let herself feel. It drove her actions.

Every step she took had the weight and readiness of a sprint to run away from all of this. Every breath was languished from the memory of that blonde in their bedsheets. Every second was dedicated to what Kelley had done to her.

It was even the driving force behind her current relationship with Zan, the model she mostly worked with. She was the total opposite of Kelley. She had the charming looks of a brooding model with a reserved aura, one that was mysterious and intriguing. Kelley hated her. Christen didn’t.

But right now, Christen was trying to catch her breath, catch a break from the misery That Kelley brought on, because apparently it permeated into her relationship with her sister. Christen sat on the steps of the deck leading to Channing’s front door.

She just wanted to rest.

“Hey.”

She didn’t lift her head up from its position, burrowed into her arms on top of her knees.

“Are you okay, CP?”

Christen sighed.

“How many ti-“

She stopped. She chuckled from the absurdity of Kelley’s timing. Really she shouldn’t be surprised. Kelley wasn’t going to listen to her. And Kelley worked like clockwork when it came to stopping by Channing’s to either a) drunkenly beg Christen to take her back, b) soberly try to pick a fight with Christen when it came to boundaries (because at least Christen was talking to her) , or c) come around for something Channing wanted.

Options C was the reason for Christen and her sister’s current riff.

“Why can’t you just do what I asked?” Christen asked with a dry chuckle. “Why can’t you respect the fact that I’ve asked you not to come around?”

“Because I’m not giving up on you.” Kelley said when she sat down next to her on the wooden steps.

Christen just let out an exhausted chuckle. Another night she may have had the energy to rebut it, but not tonight.

They both just sat there in the quiet night, only the sound of the crickets, and the sound of the metal morphing and cooling down from Kelley’s car, preventing it from being completely silent.

It must have been two minutes before one of them spoke.

“It’s been five months, Kell.” Christen repeated from the other night. It had been five months of Kelley begging, Christen fighting, and the both of them living lives apart. Well Christen was trying to.

“But I’m never going to stop loving you.” Kelley said sadly. She begged of Christen to just get it. For the light bulb in her head to just go off and realize that Kelley wasn’t going to stop.

“I have a girlfriend.” Christen said when she looked down at her feet.

“She’s not your girlfriend.” Kelley quickly responded.

Christen scoffed.

“Listen, if you need to branch out a-and have sex with other people, then that’s fine!” Kelley exclaimed.

“Just come back to me at the end of the night.” Kelley pleaded.

Christen shook her head and sighed. She put her face in her hands and she could feel the stress coming down on her all at once. Her whole body felt affected. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, and the walls were caving in, and she couldn’t move.

It was sudden. It was all consuming.

And the only thing that got her heart beat to slow, and for her lungs to open up so that she could breath, was the feeling of Kelley’s hands on her forearms and her voice guiding her back to reality. Her chest felt sore from all of the squeezing, but the outdoors didn’t feel like the box she was trapped in, anymore.

“You’re gonna be okay.” Kelley soothed.

Christen was laying on her back to the wooden planks, and her eyes fixed on the stars above while she let her breathing calm her down.

She laid there awhile.

“Can you stand up?” Kelley inquired. She held out her hand to help Christen up.

But it seemed to have been too soon and too fast because Kelley had to catch her and hold her up when she felt dizzy.

The proximity of Kelley’s face was making her feel dizzy too. Their eyes met.

“I love you.” Kelley reminded her in a whisper.

Christen didn’t say anything.

“I’m not going anywhere. It’s yours. At the end of the day, it’s always yours.” Kelley said gently.

So in  moment of weakness, or exhaustion, she just let herself succumb to the feelings Kelley made her feel.

It was the first night in a _very_ long time she spent with Kelley back in their old home.

 

%%

 

She really didn’t mean for it to happen.

Kelley had been really good for the past two weeks in not coming around Channing’s house, like Christen wished. She didn’t call when Christen had asked her not to. Kelley’s texts were constrained to the good morning and the goodnights and the conversations Christen initiated.

For those two weeks, they didn’t sleep together again. Christen had explained that it was not something they could do again. Christen was in a relationship with someone else. But it wouldn’t hurt to ask Kelley how her day went.

Kelley seemed to have been on cloud 9, according to all of her teammates (Christen would ask them so she could check up on her ex). Sydney told her one night when she came over with wine, that Kelley had been saying that she was finally going to get Christen back. That Zan was just a rebound, and that she would do everything in her power to prove to Christen that she could still be the woman of her dreams.

It was why Kelley had been so good in respecting the boundaries for those two weeks.

Until, tonight.

Christen didn’t even realize what was going on.

She had one hand smoothing out the collar of Zan’s shirt, and her eyes studying her girlfriend’s features. It really was something different, but not bad, to have a woman who looked nothing like Kelley, kiss her goodnight. It was a soft one. Zan was always soft.

It wasn’t even her that first saw Kelley, staring at them from the hood of her car. It was Zan that had turned her head first when she noticed that they were not alone.

The heartbreak on Kelley’s face made visible by the light out in the deck was palpable.

Christen envisioned that the broken down human being Kelley was, was the same kind of pathetic Christen found herself to be the day she saw all that blonde on their bedsheets.

Kelley was looking straight at her.

Christen had never seen Kelley so sad. She looked more sad now, than when she left Christen when she was a freshman, and had ran off with her glasses.

Her face didn’t say: _How could you?_

It said: _I love you._

It was a desperate proclamation of someone who realized that maybe their love wasn’t enough anymore.

“What are you doing here? Piss off O’Hara.” Zan has called out.

But Kelley’s eyes were fixed on Christen’s, now silently asking her if Zan was the one she wanted to be with.

Christen looked away.

She heard the sound of Kelley opening her door, and driving away.

 

$$

 

“Wait.” Kelley said in a childish pout. A drunken childish pout.

“You drove over here, Kell! Have some respect for your life and stop being so stupid!” Christen yelled. She wanted to cry.

“But I had to see you.” Kelley slurred. She dragged out the vowels of her words. She stumbled as she followed Christen.

“No you didn’t.” Christen said through clenched teeth, when she had her arms folded in front of her chest. The feeling of her heels was killing her, the sound of the music inside the bar was hurting her ears, and the sight of Kelley so plastered that she couldn’t walk straight wash heart rending.

“Christen Press, I-I- am so-I like-love you so much. I don’t deserve- I’m an idiot.” Kelley said before she wiped the slobber she had managed to get on her chin.

“You are.” Christen said strongly.

“But I-I love you so much.” Kelley drunkenly reasoned when she brought Christen in for a hug. One that Christen didn’t turn away. Kelley was pitiful. She let her hug her for a long moment before she pulled away.

“I get so sad when-I just want your attention. Baby, I just want-can you marry me?”

Christen wasn’t drunk. In fact, her and Zan has been drinking cokes all night.

She stepped back when she those last two words to come out of Kelley’s mouth.

“EXCUSE ME?!”

Kelley fumbled for something in her back pocket and it took her quiet awhile to produce the little black box that Christen had found in one of Kelley’s socks more than a year ago.

“Oh my god.” Christen said when she put both hands on the top of her head, not believing this was her life right now.

“I-I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re my girl.” Kelley managed to string some words together.

Kelley opened the box and then when she took out the beautiful diamond ring that was exactly what Christen wanted, it slipped through her fingers and it hit the asphalt of the parking lot.

“Wait, I just-I just- it slipped- I dropped it.” Kelley slurred.

She fell over on her way to picking it up.

“Okay.” Christen said. She had had enough. She picked Kelley up with the both of her hands and leaned her up against the bumper of some random car.

She picked up the shiny, beautiful ring, the one she’s always wanted, and stuffed into the breast pocket of Kelley’s shirt.

“But I-“

“No Kell. The answer’s no.” Christen said with a disappointed sigh.

She saw Kelley take a deep and sobering gulp.

“You don’t wanna marry me?” Kelley asked. The tears already forming in her eyelids.

“No kelley. I don’t.” Christen sighed.

This was the first time Kelley had ever proposed to her. It was not the way Christen had imagined it would be. She thought it would have happened when her and Kelley were on a couch watching TV, or in bed with no clothes on and the sunrise slowly coming in.  

Kelley was too drunk, and too fucked up for this moment. Christen had makeup smeared from the sweat from all the dancing of the club, and she was in a dress that showed more skin than fabric. They were a mess.

“Why not?” Kelley asked quietly.

It was never supposed to be this way.

Christen didn’t respond. She just got an Uber for her drunken ex-girlfriend.

“But it’s yours.” Kelley quietly begged of her before she got into the backseat of the Red Honda she had ordered.

Christen watched the tires of the car drive away. She concentrated on the vision of the tires hitting the asphalt so that she wouldn’t fall apart.

 

^^

 

She slowly pulled the strap of her tank top up to lay on her shoulder.

If she didn’t move now, she wasn’t going to make it back to her own bed.

Christen eyed the underwear that was peeled off of her by the door.

“Where you going?”

It sounded so innocent. Like a little kid seeing their dad pack their suitcase. It sounded like Kelley asked, knowing exactly where she was going.

“I have to go Kell.” She said without staring back at the figure that was half naked lying in their old bed. Christen looked down at the fabric of the different bed sheets that she had slept on. It all felt different.

“Just tonight.” She heard Kelley beg.

Christen got up and stuffed her feet into the sandals that were down by the desk in their old bedroom.

“Chris, c’mon. Just say you got held up. It’s already past midnight.” She heard Kelley say.

“I have to go.” She said quietly.

“Not tonight. Please don’t leave me tonight. You can leave in the morning but please just stay.” Kelley said. She was pulling on Christen’s hand and pulling her back to the bed.

Christen bit her lip.

“I have work in the morning.” She replied.

“Then I’ll drive you.” Kelley offered.

Christen reached for her purse but Kelley snatched it and put it out of reach.

“She’s not even in town, why can’t you spend the night with me?”

_Because I have a girlfriend, Kelley._

What she was doing right now was shitty. Christen was being a shitty person. Most days she didn’t want to look in the mirror. She didn’t want to look at the photos taken of her. She didn’t read any of the positive comments that thousands of people left on her Instagram.

Whatever this was that she would do with Kelley for one night a week, it made her feel like she didn’t have control anymore.

_I’m a cheater._

And she was right. She was cheating. With Kelley.

And it wasn’t even something that made her feel good. It just made her feel even more confused. And throughout all of this, Christen managed to bring someone else into the picture.

She shouldn’t have.

Not because she didn’t like Zan.

Zan was exactly all the things she didn’t know she could want in this life. She was patient, sweet, a different and exotic kind of sexy. She had that tortured, angsty look that made Christen so curious and so drawn to her. Zan was way different than Kelley.

But right now in this time of her life, Christen didn’t know which one was the best for her right now.

Maybe neither.

“Don’t.”

Christen was already walking away.

“Not tonight, Kell. I don’t want to do this tonight.”

“C’moooooooon.” Kelley whined.

But Kelley didn’t put up as much of a fight like she usually did. She just hovered at the heels of Christen and walked her to her car.

“What does she have that I don’t?”

“Well for one,” Christen opened the door to her car.

“A clean track record when it comes to cheating on me.”

She knew that response would injure Kelley enough to give her space for a few days.

 

\\\

 

Six weeks and four more drunken proposals since the first, was how long it took for Zan to finally, just finally give Christen what she did in fact deserve.

The break up was quick and indifferent, and that’s kind of what stung so much.

“Well you were a cheater once.” Zan said with a shrug.

Christen’s knee jerk reaction was to rebuke that statement.

“So it’s not a surprise you’d cheat again.”

“That’s not fair.” Christen said quietly.

“Facts aren’t fair.” Zan said before she got opened the door to her car. She had come by to drop off all of Christen’s shit.

Zan looked like she wanted to say something else, and Christen had a tale to tell that was on the top of her tongue.

But they didn’t say anything.

The moment passed. And Zan drove away.

 

++

 

“What are you doing?”

Tobin had a smirk, a knowing smirk on her face. It brought Christen back to earth.

“I don’t know.” Christen said with a guilty grin. She let her hands slip down the cotton of Tobin’s shirt and back onto her own lap. She backed away and reeled in the lips she was about to place onto Tobin’s.

“That’s probably the worst thing the both of us could do right now.” Tobin said with a chuckle when Christen laughed with her and she clung on to Tobin’s arm.

It had been awhile since Christen had seen her.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Tobin said with a shake to her head.

“I get it.” Tobin said with a soft expression.

Christen started laughing. What did she just try to do? What history was she trying to repeat? When was the last time she thought she might actually be the reincarnation of Alex Morgan?

“What did I just do?” Christen asked through her laughs.

Tobin joined in on it.

And when the laughter died down, Tobin grabbed her hand and asked, “Do you still love her?”

That was a great question. Actually it was a horrible one. Everyone asked her that. Christen asked _herself_ that everyday.

“What am I supposed to say?” She asked.

“The answer to that question that I know you don’t want to tell anyone.” Tobin said knowingly.

“I’m not ready.” Christen whispered. The admission was hard to speak into existence.

“Okay.” Tobin whispered back.

 

^^

 

**Kelley was sitting on the little benches in their locker room. Her head was swaying to the beat as she munched on her peanut butter oatmeal cookie and she watching Alex dance to the song playing overhead. Alex was a horrible dancer. Kelley’s known that for a long time.**

**But it brought her joy to see Alex move so awkwardly to a rap song, and for her to munch on a really good cookie. She didn’t really feel joy much these days. Alex was pretty good at distracting her and making her forget her sorrow for a few hours.**

**So for now she let herself be happy in this moment to watch Syd try to correct Alex’s movements. With a smile on her face, she watched the rest of her teammates mill around and cool off from the hard practice they had.**

**At least she still had soccer.**

**_You don’t know that you’ve lost her. Don’t say that._ **

**Really, Kelley knew nothing. One day her and Christen would not be able to get out of their old bed enough to have three meals a day with so much lovemaking, and the next, Christen ignored all of her texts. Some days, Christen acted like she wanted to get back together, but most days it seemed like Kelley really was going to lose her.**

**But it was Kelley. And she had to hold onto those days that Christen made love to her like she really meant it.**

**Because maybe she really did. If their relationship up until that day Kelley never wanted to think about, was as good and as beautiful as she thought it was, then maybe Christen really did mean it all.**

**Maybe time and the sincerity of Kelley’s actions would heal the wound she inflicted that would have a scar so deep that it would never go away, but it would heal.**

**She had to hold on to the hope that those two things would bring Christen back to her.**

**“Christen. What’re you doing here bud?”**

**Kelley got knocked out of her thoughts when she heard the nervous tone to Sydney’s voice. She quickly turned around to see the most beautiful woman walking towards her.**

**Well, more like marching. Angrily. She could see that the black rims of Christen’s glasses were not disguising the rage.**

**_Oh shit._ **

**“You want the rest of my cookie?” Kelley said, hoping that her charm would disarm.**

**Christen swatted it out of her hand and it fell to the tile floor. The rest of her US teammates all fell silent.**

**“Guess you’re not that hungry.” Kelley said.**

**“Was that the only time you slept with her?!?!?” Christen demanded.**

**“Chris. Maybe- let’s take this-“**

**“NO, Alex.” Christen turned around to send her dagger eyes to the woman who was trying to pacify her.**

**She turned back around to Kelley who was red in the face.**

**“Did you sleep with her more than once?!?”**

**Kelley gulped.**

**Her right hand sought the comfort of the touch of Christen and reached out to grab hold of the belt loop on her jeans to hold her close. To keep her there.**

**“Answer. The. Question.”**

**Kelley didn’t want to answer it.**

**She knew that everyone in the room, teammates and staff a like were all staring at her, and the shame and the embarrassment was manifesting in the blood that was rushing to her face.**

**“Chris. I-“**

**But Christen Press left.**

**She stormed right back out of her locker room (that she probably wasn’t supposed to be in) as quickly as she stormed in. Kelley sighed. She looked down at her feet and closed her eyes for a second before she went to follow.**

**“Kell, don’t fuck it up.” She heard Alex yell out to her when she sprinted to go find he love of her life.**

**++**

**“It wasn’t the first time, but-“**

**“How many times?” Christen wasn’t full on sobbing. She had the one tear fall from her eye and that was the worst sight ever. Maybe Kelley was slowly not becoming worth more than just one tear.**

**“That doesn’t matter?” Kelley said when she went in for a kiss to soothe But was quickly rejected. Christen put some distance in between them.**

**“Don’t make me ask again.”**

**..**

**“Kell-“**

**“It was the third time.” Kelley said with defeat.**

**Christen gave a little shake to her head.**

**“How long were you talking to her?” Christen wiped her eyes, regained her composure, and asked the question calmly.**

**“Not long! Christen, she- I didn’t- I don’t have feelings for her! I LOVE YOU.” Kelley exclaimed.**

**“How come I had to hear it from Tobin that you were seeing this girl for two weeks before I walked in on you?” Christen asked with a deadened expression.**

**“Tobin- it’s none of Tobin’s fucking business-“**

**“Oh don’t go there Kelley!” Christen sneered. “Tobin had no idea that I wasn’t fucking aware of the relationship you had when I was in New York-“**

**“I didn’t have a fucking relationship!”Kelley defended.**

**“And don’t put the fucking blame on your best friend for telling me what YOU should have told me!” Christen said when she poked Kelley in the chest.**

**“You cheated on me, Kelley. Not Tobin. There’s no one else to blame.”**

**“I did.” Kelley started crying.**

**“But I didn’t have a relationship with her. I only had a relationship with YOU. You’re the only one, Christen, I…”**

**_With how much of our lives we spent together, don’t you know how much I love you? Don’t you know that there’s no one else out there for me? Don’t you know that I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving to you that it really was just a mistake._ **

**She grabbed the back of Christen’s neck and brought her in for a kiss. A lot of times there bodies were the only way that they could convey what it is they wanted. So she tried to do that again.**

**Christen pushed her off. Roughly.**

**“Leave me alone.”**

**It was something she’s heard from Christen before. She tried to go in for another kiss, but she was met with the same response.**

**“Stay. The. Fuck. Away. From. Me.” Christen growled.**

**“We made love the other night.” Kelley pouted. She wanted to remind her.**

**“No we didn’t. That was a fucking mistake.”**

**“No it wasn’t. You don’t mean that.” Kelley sighed. Christen has said these things before.**

**“You will lose my number and you won’t be coming around.” Christen ordered.**

**Kelley’s shoulders fell. Christen was going to be extra hurtful today.**

**“I’m yours.” Kelley reminded her softly. She grabbed Christen’s hand and held on tight.**

**“No. I don’t want you.” Christen said when she pulled her hand back.**

**“I MEAN IT THIS TIME.” She sneered when Kelley made another attempt to make physical contact.**

**“We are done.”**

**“No.” Kelley said in a childish fit.**

**“There’s no way I want to spend ANOTHER SECOND with you. Im done. We are over. I’m dumping you, just  like you dumped and fucked me over my senior year.” Christen growled.**

**“That was different!” Kelley exclaimed. “I just asked for space and time! I didn’t dump you-“**

**“You dropped me for another pretty blonde! Guess I know now that I’m not your type.”  Christen said with folded arms.**

**“I was a fucking- Christen! I was a fucking ass hat of a 24 yr old. I didn’t drop you- I – we’ve been over this-“**

**“Just because you asked me for space before you FUCKED another girl, doesn’t mean you were in the clear-“**

**“I DIDN’T BREAK UP WITH YOU!” Kelley yelled.**

**They were both breathing heavy. They weren’t sure if there were any other people out here in this large parking lot, but right now, they were in their own world.**

**And it seemed to be ending.**

**How or why their past during Christen’s senior year got brought up, they both didn’t really know. But it was obviously something that needed to be talked about.**

**“Christen I would never break up with you. I have NEVER broken up with you. You’re the fucking-“ Kelley took a deep breath.**

**“You’re my fucking sun. I can’t fucking live without you.” Kelley explained.**

**“I…” Kelley sighed.**

**“I’m sorry. For me being a dumbass at 24 and for being a dumbass at 29. I- I made those mistakes. But I’ve never broken up with you. I’ve never EVER wanted to break up with you. All I want is your fucking time. All I asked for back then was space, and I’m sorry it wasn’t clear-“**

**“Well let me be clear.” Christen interrupted. Her posture was erect and she was slowly advancing on Kelley to prove her seriousness.**

**“I don’t want space from you.” Christen said strongly.**

**“This isn’t just a break while I’d figure out my feelings for someone else, or hop into someone else’s bed just out of curiosity.” Christen said, her voice shaking with rage.**

**“Christen.” Kelley could feel it. Christen really meant it this time.**

**“I don’t love anyone else.” She said quickly and with the panic vibrating in her voice. “I don’t want anyone else. They’re not you.”**

**Christen shook her head to refute the words that came out of Kelley’s mouth.**

**“We are done. We are broken up. I’ve moved out of your house. And I’ve moved on.” Christen said. She said it so quietly and with such resolution.**

**Kelley watched with panic when Christen walked past her.**

**“No!” She wanted to hold on. She wanted to grasp on to anything. Anything to keep Christen there.**

**“If you’ve moved on, then why are you still wearing your glasses?” Kelley asked desperately.**

**She literally fell to the ground, to her knees, when Christen nonchalantly grabbed the black spectacles she had possession of since she was a teenager and broke them in half and tossed them out onto the asphalt. Christen kept walking.**

 


	6. More than Missed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> christen's senior year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUST GETTING BACK INTO WRITING bear WITH ME AND MY GRAMMATICAL MISTAKEs

She kicked the gravel in the road as she tried to carry her body along just far enough so that it could find a bed. It was hot, and she was drenched. She had her training shirt sleeves rolled up and her socks pushed all the way down. She would have taken them off, but the ground was hot, and she had been too tired to find shoes to put on after she had peeled her cleats off.

Julie looked just as tired. The silently ventured on throughout the campus.

The blonde pulled the key to their apartment out of the front pocket of her bag and led the way in. The two of them tossed their bags down, Julie threw herself onto the couch, while Christen went straight to the fridge to pout herself a glass.

She sighed at the sight of the messy kitchen. Her and her roommates were not the cleanest people around. But it looked like something she was going to have to do since it was her turn to load the dishwasher. Christen pushed the thought away when she opened the cabinets in search of a glass.

She sighed again. The package of Oreos she had just bought yesterday were opened, and she wasn’t even the one to take first one.

_Ugh. Julie._

She grabbed the glass that was in the back and filled it up with water.

The feeling of it down her throat felt amazing. Today had been rough and this was just exactly what she needed. Because of the wildfires, it had been extremely hot and smoky and her and the team were not used to the conditions they were having to battle through when it came to practice.

It had been a long day.

And she didn’t want to think about the multiple baking sheets that were in the sink that she had to clean.

But now that she thought about it, she didn’t remember Ali making brownies (she could tell from the contents of the dirty dishes). She knew Julie would have never during season.

She turned to see a bunch of dirty dishes and utensils. This was more than their usual mess.

Christen opened the fridge.

She saw a bunch of green things and fruit and actual food in their fridge.

That could only mean one thing.

She went straight to the hallway to their bedrooms. She could see the black LAFC bag put down by the foot of her bedroom door.

Her heart started beating fast. She opened the door slowly.

“KELLEY!”

“PUMPKIN!”

For some reason she felt paralyzed for a second. Christen put her hands to heart because of the beautiful sight of her girlfriend laying down on her bed watching her TV. She hadn’t seen Kelley in four weeks. They had gone longer than four weeks before, but it didn’t matter how long, her heart always aches at the sight of Kelley.

Christen stood back just so that she could look at the adorable sight of Kelley with a messy bun and in a Chadwick Soccer shirt. It made her feel like she was looking into the future.

“Pumpkin, come here.” Kelley said when she scooted closer to the end of the bed so that she could catch Christen and they could both lay in the bed like it was theirs.

Christen stayed burrowed into Kelley’s hold and into the safety of her neck and the smell of sweat and baked cookies. She felt the surface of the soft fabric of Kelley’s shirt, with the hard surface of Kelley’s body underneath. Christen held on tighter and she didn’t realize until now that the elusive feeling of something missing was the smell of the citrus scent of Kelley’s hair.

“How’s my little weirdo?” Kelley squeezed her affectionately while their legs lay tangled on the bed.

But Christen didn’t respond. She just held on tighter.

“I missed you pumpkin.” Kelley whispered into her ear

Christen just nodded her head.

“Why are you burrowing right now?” Kelley asked playfully.

Christen shook her head.

“Babe.” Kelley kissed her on the cheek.

“Look at me.” Kelley pouted playfully.

She looked up to reveal watery green eyes looking up at her.

“Why are you crying?” Kelley asked before she planted a really soft onto her girlfriend’s lips. With her thumb she swiped at the small drop of tear that had escaped from Christen’s eye.

Christen burrowed back into her neck.

“Because I fucking missed you.”

Her voice was muffled. Kelley just peppered small kisses to the top of Christens slightly sweaty head before she picked the remote that was laying beside her and turned down the volume of the show.

She knew that Christen was going to need a moment to get it all together. And Kelley learned that she needed one too to soak it all in. It really had been a long stretch for them to not see each other. It felt longer than usual. It was Kelley’s turn to commit to her memory the feeling of Christen in her arms.

It never faded, but it always felt like the first time.

“What’re you doing here? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Christen asked when she finally surfaced. She playfully poked Kelley in the stomach.

“I wanted it to be a surprise.” Kelley said softly.

“You. Coming around here making me cry.” Christen said while she wiped away at the tears and sat upright.

“You’re a jerk.” Christen said while she began to tickle her girlfriend in the side. That gesture landed her with the back of her head on her own pillow and Kelley hovering above her, locking her arms.

“Will you forgive me?” Kelley asked with a smirk.

“Always.”

They just stared and took in the sight they don’t usually get to have anymore.

“You’re so fucking beaut-“

Christen shut her up with a kiss. A long one. A passionate one. One that conveyed anything and everything that needed to be said.

It was so passionate that Kelley got the green light for her hand to travel up the underside of Christen’s training shirt.

“What are you two doing?”

It was Ali’s voice.

They didn’t pay her any attention.

“I’m totally about to jump in that bed.” Ali called out.

They still didn’t give her any attention.

“Fine. Come out and say hi when you’re done, Kelley.” Ali said before she closed the door.

It was going to be awhile.

 

**

 

“Yo. Is that O’Hara?”

Christen leaned into the kiss on the cheek that Kelley had given to her before she wandered off to go socialize with the most random people ever that she knew. It was Stanford. Everyone knew Kelley.

“She’s not invisible anymore. How is she still famous? Julie asked with a chuckle before she sipped on the bottle of beer she had in her hand.

“I think the better question is: Does Kelley even know those people?” Ali countered.

“Probably not.” Christen said with a shrug. She watched as Kelley played beer pong with these four three dudes that looked like they must have been football players. Christen could hear one of them say Erin’s name.

She felt at ease when Kelley winked at her when their eyes met.

“You think Syd would be proud of us for holding all of this up?” Ali asked when they looked around at all of the people that had gathered around the front of the apartment.

The three of them were living in the same apartment building, the unit right across from Syd and Ali’s old apartment. They were throwing the same type of parties that Syd instructed them too since t hey were the ones th torch got passed to

“I think she would.” Julie said with a smile. “Aaaaand. I think she’d be proud of us for setting up little Mal with mr. Brown eyes over there.”

Christen rolled her eyes and shook her head of the antics of her two best friends and watched from afar as they tried to set Mal, a little yet speedy freshman on the team, with one of the junior soccer boys that always showed up.

They took their roles as the torchbearers very seriously.

“You’re Christen, right?”

She turned to see some random girl next to her.

“Uh yeah.” She responded.

“Kelley O’Hara told me to tell you that you should stop looking so pretty over here when you can do the same exact thing next to her.” The girl said it with a smirk. She must have thought Kelley was as ridiculous as Kelley actually was.

Christen just looked on over to see her girlfriend obviously avoiding her gaze.

“Tell Kelley that if she thinks she can get any girl by sweet talking them…she needs to try harder.”

The girl smiled at Christen’s response.

“I’ll tell her.”

Christen smiled when she saw the smirk Kelley gave when the girl relayed the response, and she went to find her friends.

“So I thought Kelley couldn’t make it this weekend?” Julie asked.

“She said she came up to surprise me.” Christen said when the three of them stood with their heads together and watched Kelley excitedly retell this story that Christen knew she was telling a bunch of randoms. They all looked like Kelley had them in the palm of her hand.

“She’s so fucking sweet, I wanna squeeze her cheeks!” Julie squealed.

“Hey. Go up to her and ask, ‘You’re Kelley, right?’ And then tell her that I said that she could do better than that last pick up line.” Christen instructed. The two of her friends giggled while they excitedly trotted over to the famous girl.

She watched as Kelley stopped her story to listen to the two familiar friends of hers.

Again, she saw that smirk.

It would always be about that smirk.

 

^^

 

“Hey there, sweet thing.”

Christen shook her head of playful disapproval.

“You running solo tonight?”

“I do most nights.” Christen said softly. The party was close to clearing out and it was just the few stragglers that were hanging around. Christen felt the nerves creep around her body at the sensation of having Kelley coming closer to her.

“What about tonight?” Kelley asked softly when she closed the space in between them and placed her forehead onto her girlfriend’s.

“That depends.”

“On what?” Kelley inquired.

“On if you can keep a secret.” Christen whispered back.

“Whatcha mean?”

“Well…” Christen pulled back a little and grabbed Kelley’s hand.

“You might not know this, but I got a really famous girlfriend. So if people see me with you, words gonna get back to her.”

“Fuck her.” Kelley said before she planted a really big kiss onto her lips.  

“I can take her.” Kelley said before she led the way back to the apartment.

“I don’t know…you look kind of scrawny.” Christen responded. She relished the scandalized look that response got.

Behind closed doors, in the darkness, Christen had climbed up onto the lap of a seated Kelley.

“I love you so much.” Kelley whispered.

“I love you too.”

“I missed you.” Kelley urged.

“I know you’re busy.” Christen said when she held on tighter. “That’s why I try not to spread my misery onto you.”

“Why you miserable, pumpkin? I don’t want you to be miserable.” Kelley tucked Christen’s hairs behind her ear.

“Don’t.” Christen pouted.

“Don’t What?”

“You know what .”

She did. They both knew.

“I left this weekend. I told them I needed to see you.” Kelley said.

That didn’t sit well with Christen. She never wanted to be the reason that Kelley’s career suffered. She had to be the one to tell Kelley many times to not come to her old alma mater for the weekend because they both knew that if Christen asked her to, Kelley would have come every weekend.

“I wasn’t doing well, Chris.” Kelley defended of her actions.

“I needed to see you.” She reasoned.

“I could have come to you.” Christen reasoned.

“No.” Kelley swung Christen’s legs and tucked them underneath the blanket before she joined her. “The banquet’s this weekend. There’s no way you’re missing that.”

“I would miss it for your game.”Christen softly chastised. “I’ve been to it already.”

“I would miss a game for you. I’ve played many of them.” Kelley countered.

 

##

 

“Why are you upset?” Christen asked when she pulled the hem of Kelley’s shirts to bring her back to her.

“Because!” Kelley whined. She put some distance in between them and busied her hands by pouring herself a cup of coffee.

“Babe. I can’t just  do that on the day of the banquet. I already promised him that I would go with him.” Christen reasoned. She watched as Kelley stirred in a small amount of sugar.

“Why not? I’m here now!”

“Kell.”

No response.

“You’re not being fair right now.” Christen said as she crossed her arms.

“I came up here to be with you!” Kelley said when she turned back around. “How is you going to this banquet with some random guy I don’t even know, on the weekend I came to surprise you, fair for me??”

“You knew I was going with a friend, Kell. You’ve known since the plans were made. And you knew they were with him.” Christen defended.

“Fine.”

“Stop.” Christen begged. “I love you for coming to see me.”

Kelley just grabbed an Oreo and stuffed it into her mouth, before she walked out of the kitchen and onto the living room couch to turn on the TV.

It was awhile before Christen walked out to join her. She plopped down right next to her.

“Why can’t you just come with the both of us?” Christen asked with a smile.

“I’m not sharing you, Christen.” Kelley said seriously. Not taking the bait to lighten up the conversation.

“He doesn’t have me.” Christen responded bitterly. “I’m not a thing to be had, Kelley.”

“Whatever.” Kelley muttered. She hadn’t looked at Christen yet.

“So instead of just spending the night with me and my friends, because HE’S A FRIEND, Kell, you’d rather just stay here and be pissed at me?”

“I won’t just stay here.” Kelley said with a bitter shrug.

“Okay, Kell.”

Christen didn’t doubt that Kelley could find someone to hang out and party with in this town.

“You don’t care who I hang out with?” Kelley asked. She turned to look at Christen, who was more hurt than she was letting on.

“I’m not your mom.” Christen responded quietly.

“Yeah but you’re my girlfriend.” Kelley replied with bitterness.

“Kell. I don’t want to fight.” Christen said with a sigh.

“I hardly get to see you, and be with you. I’m asking you to hang out with me tonight. Let me take pictures with a guy friend of mine, and then you hold my hand the rest of it. Then you take me home. That’s it.”

Kelley shook her head in defiance.

“Why don’t you care who I hang out with?” She said with a lot of frustration in her face.

“Kell-“

“Like why don’t you care? I can’t stand being away from you, and you can’t change your plans for me? You don’t care who I hang out with during parties? Do you even want to be with me?” Kelley pushed.

Christen just sat there with wide eyes and a very confused state of mind.

“What kind of question is that??” Christen softly cried.

“Whatever.” Kelley mumbled before she got up and walked away and out of the door.

“Kell.”

Christen was heartbroken.

_Pumpkin: Kell are you serious?_

_Pumpkin: where are you?_

It had been three hours since she had walked out before she was starting to really get worried.

_Pumpkin: can you even tell me if you’re alive_

_Kell: I’m fine_

Christen grabbed the powder brush she had on her desk and continued to apply her makeup, trying to convince herself that she wouldn’t have to put on another coat, and she would really stop crying.

 

==

 

Kelley would text her if she wanted to.

That’s what hurt the most.  Christen didn’t think that Kelley had taken with her, her copy of her key to the apartment, so she left it underneath the mat and looped her hair tie around the ring just so that she could leave something for Kelley.

Christen had posted a pic on Snapchat of a picture of her in her dress, hoping that Kelley would see the brand and come back home before the banquet. But it didn’t seem that it would work because by the time she got to the hall with Julie and Ali, Kelley still hadn’t looked at her story.

She tried to really listen to her friends.

“It’s your senior year!”

“Enjoy it! This is the last year you will get to do this!”

But this banquet was starting to feel a lot like her freshman year one, starting it without Kelley. It was different in that she ended it without her, too.

She checked her phone every once in awhile, but by midnight, she stopped.

Ali had gone home with some girl named Ashlyn, while Julie had stayed at some hotel with Zach since he had come to town to go with her to the banquet.

So Christen was all alone when she made the trek to the apartments on foot. It was probably a good thing anyway. She just wanted to be alone.

Kelley’s reaction to her standing her ground and telling her that she wasn’t going to break a promise she made to another friend was…bizarre. It was true that Kelley usually did throw a little fit when she didn’t get her way when it came to spending time with her, but Kelley getting angry, like storming out of the room, was unusual.

Kelley knew that Christen and Kevin (yes his name really was Kevin) were just friends. She didn’t know him but she knew how Christen felt about their friendship. So Christen surmised that it had to do with Kelley’s accusation that Christen didn’t want to be with her.

She was at a loss. She didn’t know what she could have done to make Kelley feel that way. She recollected that her girlfriend did say that she left LA because she wasn’t doing well. Christen assumed that meant Soccer, but was it possible that Kelley was having other issues?

Well by the sight of Kelley sitting down by her apartment front door, Christen could tell something else was going on with her girlfriend.

She was happy to know that Kelley was alive, and that she hadn’t just grabbed her stuff and left town, though.

Christen bent down and picked up Kelley’s key with her hair tie that was underneath the mat and opened the door for the both of them.

It was in the darkness of her apartment, when she was putting down her keys, when she felt Kelley’s arms loop around her waist from behind, and she could smell the beer breath of her girlfriend.

“Did you have fun tonight?” Kelley’s voice was small.

“Did you?” Christen whispered back.

“No.” She felt Kelley squeeze her tighter.

“What did you do?” She inquired. The both of them made no effort to move from their positions.

Kelley squeezed her even tighter. It was her only response.

“You’re not gonna tell me?”

“I love you, pumpkin.” Kelley said.

Christen’s heart started beating faster. Kelley only ever acted this way when she knew she would be in trouble with Christen.

“Are you about to break my heart right now?”

She held her breath when she asked that and for the seconds after she asked it.

Christen felt Kelley’s hand slip loose from her. She turned around to face Kelley who was looking down at her feet.

“I went out.” Kelley said quietly. She said it like she was a little boy talking to their teacher once they were caught red handed.

“Okay..”

“I went out with a bunch of people who knew Syd, and…”

Christen listened on. Kelley finally looked up to meet her eyes.

“And…there was this girl that was hitting on me all night.” Kelley said cautiously.

Christen started picking at her nails. She didn’t know if she wanted to hear this. But she sort of felt paralyzed by the sound of  Kelleys voice. She couldn’t run away.

This was not something she wanted to deal with.

“And she kissed me.”

Christen sort of died just a little inside.

“But I stopped her right away! And I told her I had a girlfriend. A-and I left right after that! Chris…”

Christen looked away.

“I love you. Pumpkin, I love you.”

_Why did she feel like she could kiss you in the first place?_

“I’m sorry CP. I thought about you all night. And I didn’t mean for that to happen- I don’t have that- I wasn’t looking- it just sort of happened, and once it happened I pulled away-“

Christen slowly started walking back to her room while Kelley kept rambling.

But she wasn’t really listening anymore.

Alex promised her that this wasn’t going to happen to her. She promised her that Kelley was blindly and stupidly in love with her and only her. Alex trained Christen to think that There was something different about the way Kelley looked at her and only her. She promised that fame wasn’t going to take Kelley away from her.

_Dammit Alex._

“I love you and only you, Christen.”

She was trying to unzip the back of her dress when the contact of Kelley’s touch brought her out of her touch.

“Let me help you.” Kelley begged of her softly when Christen had moved to refuse her assistance.

“I got it.” She said quietly.

Kelley looked hurt.

“Are you mad at me?”

Christen managed to get the zipper down. She let the dress fall from her shoulders and she felt the cool of the A/C hit her bare chest and now she felt more exposed then she wanted to in front of Kelley. She was glad that she had her back to her.

Christen didn’t answer the question as she undressed and put on some softer clothes, all in a haze. She went through the motions, forgetting that Kelley was still standing right behind her, watching her every move.

“Christen-“

She walked past Kelley. She turned off the light. She snuggled into the softness of the comforter of her bed and then slipped underneath and laid so that she was on her side and she was facing the window. Christen just barely registered the sensation of Kelley getting into bed with her, after a long moment of silence.

She could feel the tense way Kelley hesitated before she saddled up right next to her, and then wrapped her arm around her, before she slowly rolled Christen over to look at her.

“I’m sorry.” Kelley pouted.

_For what?_

Christen may have still been lost in her thoughts to actually respond to her.

“It didn’t mean anything. I’m sorry” Kelley pushed. “The instant that I realized what she was doing, I put a stop to it. I-i-I left literally two seconds after I told her that I had a girlfriend.”

Kelley sighed.

“Pumpkin. I don’t want to lose you-“

“It’s Fine, Kell.” Christen interrupted.

She felt Kelley’s grip around her loosen just s little.

“R-really?”

“Really.” Christen said. “Can we just go to sleep?”

So they did just that. But it took Christen a long time, maybe two hours of listening to Kelley snore, before she was finally able to turn her mind off, and drift away.

 

==

 

“Where have you been?”

Christen turned her attention to the red-eyed figure of Kelley sitting on the couch.

Julie and Ali just sipped on the straws of their Starbucks.

“I was getting you food.” Christen said.

“Why didn’t you bring your phone?” Kelley asked in a panic. It looked like she had been crying.

“I don’t know.” Christen shrugged.

_Because I didn’t want to talk to you._

“Do you want your muffins?” She asked before she ventured into the kitchen. She didn’t hear Julie or Ali follow her into the kitchen. She figured that they didn’t want to be next to Christen, having to hide the judgment they wanted reign down on her girlfriend. They weren’t Kelley’s biggest fans right now.

Christen could see Kelley sit down at the kitchen table and slowly start to eat the breakfast that she had brought home for her. She could feel Kelley’s eyes on her when she made Kelley a cup of coffee.

“Where you going?”

She felt Kelley’s hand grab hers when she was about to make her way out.

“I’m going to get my phone.” Christen responded softly. She could see the sadness in Kelley’s expression when she let Christen’s hand go so that she could go and get it.

“Do you need us to go?” Julie whispered when Christen had exited the kitchen.

“We can give you space. I know how much you hate audiences when you’re lecturing Kelley.” Ali hushed.

She just brushed off their questions. No one was lecturing anyone. She grabbed her phone, she sent Alex a text, and then walked back into the kitchen, seeing that Kelley hadn’t moved a muscle, nor taken another bite since she left.

“What movie do you want to watch tonight? Kelley asked as soon as Christen sat down across from her.

“And come sit here.” Kelley said when she nodded at the spot next to her.

Christen hesitated. But only for a second, before she obeyed Kelley’s request.

“I was thinking of maybe a scary movie? I mean he both of suck at them so we might as well try it? We can rent the princess diaries too… you know for afterwards.” Kelley said.

“Uh huh. Sure.” Christen said when she looked up from her text to Alex.

“Or I can take you to the movies.” Kelley suggested. She could feel Christen’s lack of focus on her.

“Whatever you want, Chris.” She said before she took a bite of her second muffin. “it’ll be nice just to have a relaxed night of just us two.”

 Christen didn’t know if she could do that just yet.

“You know, maybe we should go to a party tonight.” She suggested instead.

Kelley’s words said that she’s happily go along with what Christen wanted to do, but her face said another thing.

 

##

 

“Hey.”

Christen turned when she felt a small tug to the tail of her shirt.

“Are you mad at me?” Kelley asked when she had looped her hands around Christen’s midsection and brought her in closer.

_Of course I am._

“Why do you think I’m mad at you?”

“Because you’ve been avoiding me.” Kelley said quietly. Christen watched the people at the party while she tried to formulate a response.

“Can you please look at me?” Kelley begged.

Christen complied.

“I’ve been begging for your attention all day.” Kelley stated. “First you blow off our breakfast plans, then you spend two hours on the phone, and as much as I love Ali and Julie, I can tell that you brought them to lunch so that you don’t have to talk to me. And you’ve barely given me any kisses today.”

Christen sighed.

“I know you’re mad.” Kelley said as she tightened her hold around Christen.

“And you have every right to be. But can you just tell me that? I’d rather you yell and communicate with me, then for you to be doing this.”

“Well, I don’t want to have this conversation right now. Not at a party.” Christen reasoned.

“Is that why you took me here?” Kelley asked. “So that you wouldn’t have to talk to me?”

She let Christen skip through her fingers to go find another conversation to join. Kelley could tell that this was serious. Her girlfriend hated it when one of them left a conversation, and for her to do it meant that Kelley was in even more deep shit than she had initially thought.

Kelley sipped on her beer and stayed just far enough away to give Christen her space, but close enough to keep her in her sight.

She watched her and unleashed all of the self-deprecating thoughts onto herself about her decision to not hang out with Christen on the night of her last banquet.

_You’re an idiot. How could you let someone who looks that beautiful go with someone else?_

Kelley didn’t like to think about it. So she may have overreacted to Christen’s response to refuse to stand her friend up. But it was hard to hide that Kelley hasn’t been exactly the happiest camper in life at the moment. Her emotions and behavior were all over the place.

She missed Christen. Like all the time.

Kelley went against everyone’s insistence that she not miss the match this weekend to go see her younger girlfriend back in college, because fuck everyone else. Their face time calls were never long enough. Their weekends were never long enough. But the distance in between them, was.

Kelley literally could not handle it for another second. She was irritable, and distracted. Her training was suffering. She wasn’t happy. And she knew that the only thing that could make her happy, was the one person she managed to piss off.

Kelley was a mess.

And when she got pulled out of her thoughts when she realized just how close this girl she’s never met before was to Christen’s face, and how long they’ve been talking, she just showed everyone else at the part just how much of a mess she really was.

“Who is she?” Kelley asked loudly when she walked up in between Christen and this random woman.

Christen looked at her like she couldn’t quite understand where this was going. Kelley quickly solved the mystery for her.

“Why does she get more of your attention than I do?” Kelley asked.

“Kelley. Stop.” Christen said gently.

“Why does everyone get to have your time except me?!”

She could feel the anger in the way Christen pulled her by the hand and away from the crowd and into another room.

“What was that??” Christen inquired.

“Who is she? Why is she so close to you?” Kelley asked back.

“That’s Courtney- she’s a girl from class-whatre you-“

“Well I don’t like the way she’s looking at you.” Kelley said, putting her foot down.

Christen scoffed. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t pay attention to her. Pay attention to me.” Kelley pouted when she reached out to hold her girlfriend’s hand.

Christen let her, but she asked, “Was that necessary out there?”

“Yes. Because you’re not paying attention to me.” Kelley responded. “All you’re doing is giving your time to someone else.”

“Kelley.” Christen let go of her hand.

“What?” She grabbed hold of it again. She had spent a month without touching Christen, and she wanted to do it as much as possible in the time she could.

“Stop projecting your guilt onto me.” Christen scolded.

That hurt her right where it counted. And she couldn’t hide it.

“Stop making things up in your head, or creating people that you think I’m into more than you.” Christen instructed.

“I’m not! You’d rather spend time with everyone else! You’d rather go to dances with everyone else but me! You’d rather talk to whoever the fuck that is out there except me! A-and you spent two hours on the phone talking to someone else!” Kelley yelled. Her craziness was coming out. The cracks in her armor were being revealed. Finally, she was showing Christen just how unstable the distance between them was affecting her.

“I was talking to Alex.” Christen said quietly.

“Why? What about for two hours?” Kelley pushed. 

“About you.” Christen said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Okay? I’m allowed to talk to other people about you and I-“

“Why can’t you just talk TO ME about it?!”

“BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!” Christen yelled back. The both of them were breathing heavy.

Christen didn’t want to yell. She didn’t want to get to this place. She sighed and shook her head. She wanted to leave this party.

So they did.

 

*]

 

“Well why are you punishing me for that? I’m not Alex, Kell.”

“What does that mean?” Kelley asked.

The both of them were behind Christen’s closed bedroom door, but Julie and Ali could hear them loud and clear. They hovered by the door.

“I’m not going to have a breakdown just because I think you might be doing something with someone else. If you want to cheat on me, then I can’t stop you-“

“Whoa What?!” Kelley had an outburst.

“If this is the way I want to deal with the news that you spent a night with another girl-“

“I didn’t!” Kelley defended.

“I’m not going to go fucking mental about it, okay? If I need time and space to process it, then you owe me that! I’m not going to lose my mind with thoughts of what you’re doing and I’m not going to push you away by kissing your best friend! I’m not your ex girlfriend Kelley. I’m not doing anything like that. So stop-“

“So you’re trying to push me away in a different way??”

“What’re you talking about?!” Christen wiped her face with her hands because she was about to lose her mind.

“Why can’t you act like you care? Why can’t you just show me that you miss me or that you’re just as fucking sad to not being able to see me?!” Kelley demanded.

“Why can’t you just yell at me or just fucking show me that you don’t want me to be with anyone else???”

“Oh and what? That’s gonna reverse the fact that you kissed another girl?” Christen spat. “Is that gonna make you be less of an asshole if I make a fucking scene in front of a whole party of people??”

Julie and Ali looked at each other, worried that this was not going to have a happy ending.

“You know, I skipped my game just so that I could spend time with you.” Kelley said.

“Is that supposed to make everything okay? Do you want a medal for that?” Christen responded.

“No.” Kelley sighed.

“I just want you.” She said sadly.

“Well you have a weird way of showing it. Because you’re intelligent and I know you knew that the girl that kissed you was into you. So maybe you should really consider if you really just do want me.” Christen said.

Kelley’s shoulders dropped.

“You want me to be mad at you, then fine. I’m mad at you. I’ll sleep with Ali tonight, you can take the bed.”

Julie and Ali quickly sprinted to their room when they heard Christen’s footsteps nearing the door.

 

%%

 

“Where you going?” Julie asked. She put the glass of water she had just poured herself, down onto the counter.

“Um. I don’t know Jules, I’m just gonna head back to LA.” Kelley said when she tried to wipe at her eyes discreetly. She hoped that the darkness would hide her red, tear stricken face.

“You know,” Julie wiped at the condensation on the glass. “You’re not my favorite person right now, but I like you enough to tell you that leaving in the middle of the night will make it worse.”

She could see Kelley nod.

“I just think that she’d rather be mad at me right now then to see me.” Kelley said quietly.

“Why’d you come here, Kell?” Julie asked quietly. “Just to leave?”

It was met with a long period of silence.

“Just tell her I love her, Okay?”

Kelley swung her backpack around her shoulder before she opened the door and walked out of the apartment.

 

*+

 

It seems like leaving didn’t make things worse. It seemed to have made things better for Christen. Kelley curled up into her bed with her comforter hugging her as she played and replayed the long story on Christen’s Snapchat of her and her roommates enjoying a day at the zoo.

It had been a whole week since Kelley had taken her trip back to LA, and Christen still hadn’t called her.

Everyday, it seemed like Christen had something fun to do, and in every one of her selfies, she had a bright smile on her face, like she was enjoying the freedom she finally had from the chains that were her relationship from Kelley.

At least that’s what it looked like to Kelley.

“Okay dude. You need to stop.” Sydney said when she had let herself into Kelley and Channing’s home.

“You need to get up and eat and then go for a run.” Her friend instructed.

“Syd. She doesn’t want to be with me.” Kelley said sadly. She pulled her blanket around her even tighter.

“Well not when you look like this.” Sydney responded.

“She’s so happy without me. Look.” Kelley showed her her phone.

 Her best friend confiscated it.

“Eat. And then take a shower. Alex is here.”

 

==

 

Christen couldn’t continue her walk to third class. She sat down on the stone bench near her when she saw how the majority of her feed was Kelley liking all these photos of that bitch that had come up to her that one night at the party to deliver a message of Kelley’s.

That was the girl that must have kissed Kelley last weekend. She went to go seek another opinion instead of going to class.

“It…is…weird, but…” Ali didn’t really know how to finish her thought.

“Did kelley break up with me?” Christen asked. She put her hand on her heart to calm it down.

“No.” Ali said with confidence. “She told Julie to tell you she loved you.”

“She hasn’t called me all week.” Christen pushed back.  

“Look. Maybe you two need a little break.” Ali said with a shrug.

“What??” Christen asked with a panic. “Do you think Kelley wants to be on a break?”

 

==

 

“Maybe you just need a break.” Alex said.

“Is that what she said on the phone?” Kelley asked. She didn’t think it would be possible to be sad and devastated when she was holding Alex’s baby cousin in her hands, but here she was.

“No. She said that you pulled an Alex and freaked out on her and went out with another chick.” Alex said with an eye roll. “Why did you do that, dummy?”

“I was…upset.” Kelley said when she put the baby down into the crib. “And I didn’t exclusively go out with this other girl. She was just…there.”

“Yeah, but Syd and I both know that when you get upset with Christen, you just latch on even tighter you psycho. Why did you go out this time?” Alex asked, while Sydney just nodded in agreement.

“I don’t know…I just…I don’t know. I’m losing my mind.” She explained that she hadn’t been doing well. Sydney backed her up. Kelley was irritable, she wasn’t eating as much, the distance was eating away at her.

“Sometimes I just feel like Christen is dealing with the distance a lot better than me. And she’s the one who used to beg me to come up there every weekend. I mean, not that I wasn’t planning on it already, but…” Kelley sighed.

“Are you really punishing her for dealing with something healthily…?” Alex asked with widened eyes.

“Well when you put it like that…” Sydney mumbled.

“Kell…” Alex sighed.

Sydney sighed.

Kelley sighed.

“I’m going to give you advice that I should have probably been given years ago, too. Okay?” Alex said.

Kelley nodded.

“CHILL THE FUCK OUT.” Alex instructed.

 

++

 

“Wait. Who is this woman?” Julie muttered to herself.  Her and Ali were in between classes both investigating the blonde’s Instagram that Kelley had tagged and had posted a pic with.

Well the picture wasn’t just her and the blonde. It was the rest of her LAFC team in the picture too. It looked like she was a trainer for the team.

“Apparently she went to Stanford too…” Ali said when she had saw that blonde post a picture of her on campus, posting a caption about some ‘ol’ stomping grounds.’

“So Kelley probably knew her back in the day or whatever. She must have just been here and at a party that Kelley just happened to be at.” Julie said with a shrug.

“Yes. But why is Kelley liking all of her photos?” Ali asked when she looked up from her screen.

“Maybe they just became Instagram friends.” Julie shrugged again. “I don’t know. I don’t think we should be feeding Chris any of this. I think it’s too speculative of stuff for us to alert her.”

 

==

 

“Syd. You don’t have to hide stuff from me.” Christen grumbled into the receiver of her phone.

“Babe. There’s nothing to hide.” Sydney reassured.

“Then why hasn’t she called me?” Christen asked sadly.

“I don’t know babe. That’s a conversation between the two of you. Remember the last time I spoke for Kelley? That didn’t end well…” Sydney said.

“Well I would have it but she hasn’t talked to me since she left.” Christen bitterly responded.

“Babe. You’ll hear from her. Soon. I promise.” Sydney responded.

“Are you sure? Cuz-“

Christen looked down when she heard some beeping from her phone. She looked down to see Kelley’s face pop up. It was a silly selfie of Kelley when she had stolen Christen’s phone and had changed her home screen to that very picture.

“Syd. Kelley’s calling, I’ll hit you back.”

Her heart beat quickly. She’s wanted nothing more than to just see that ridiculous photo of Kelley to pop up, signaling that Kelley wanted to talk to her.

She got nervous. She almost let it go to voicemail because of all the nerves.

Almost.

“Hello.” Christen nervously twirled her hair in anticipation.

“Hey you.” Came Kelley’s soft voice through the speaker. For Christen, it seemed like maybe all would be right in the world after hearing Kelley say that to her.

“Hi.” She softly responded.

“I missed your voice, pumpkin.” Kelley said.

“You know, I…” Christen thought really hard about her words. She more than missed Kelley. Her frustration towards her for walking out was quickly overpowered by the sadness of not being with her.

“I more than missed you, Kell.”

She hoped that would be enough words to express what it she was feeling.

“Do you have time to talk?” Kelley asked.

“Sure.” Christen settled into her bed. She hoped that this conversation would be long and she hoped that she could spend an eternity listening to whatever it was that Kelley wanted to say.

“Can I come in?”

Christen narrowed her eyes.

“What do you-“

She looked up when she saw her door being cracked open and she saw a really freckly forehead, followed by a really freckly nose, all that belonged to her girlfriend. Then she saw the most beautiful smirk she could see on a human being.

“Come here.” Christen ordered with a soft whisper.

Kelley obliged. She hopped onto the bed and then snuggled up to Christen and then held on tightly.

“I’m sorry about the way I left.” Kelley said sadly. “I don’t want to do that again.”

Christen just nodded.

“I don’t want to do what I did- any of it- the last time I was here.” Kelley pushed.

“Which is why-“ she grabbed Christen’s hand, “I’m here. I want to talk about…us.”

 

 

%%

 

“UM.”

Kelley looked up when she saw Alex walk in through the front door without any announcement. LAFC wasn't supposed to play Orlando, so her presence was random.

“Why the fuck did Christen just text me and tell me that you broke up with her?!?!?” Alex demanded.

“You broke up with my sister?!” Kelley heard Channing call out from her room.

“I didn’t break up with her!” Kelley said, just so confused. She finished tying her shoelaces before she got up from her spot.

“I just got off the phone with her!” Kelley defended. Alex and Channing both looked like they were going to rip her head off.

“She said, and I quote: ‘Kelley doesn’t want to be with me. Is she seeing that girl from LAFC?” Alex read off the screen of her phone.

“What?? She hasn’t asked me anything about- what girl from the team? What is she taking about Alex??” Kelley asked when she reached fo Alex’s phone to confirm that she wasn’t lying.

Alex wasn’t lying.

“What the fuck did you two talk about when you went up there??” Channing asked.

“I just told her what we talked about!” Kelley wildly racked her brain. There was no way that she would have said that she was seeing anyone else. Kelley wouldn’t have mentioned a girl that didn’t exist.

“What girl is she talking about Alex??” Kelley demanded.

“I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking you!” Alex yelled.

“I’m not talking to another girl!” Kelley yelled back.

“Calm down.” Channing instructed the both of them.

“Okay. What did you say to Christen?”

Kelley sighed. “I just said that I needed space because I was turning into someone I didn’t like. I just said that I was going crazy with the distance and I just needed to spend time to re-evaluate things.”

“Re-evaluate what?” Channing pushed.

“I just-I don’t know I don’t want to go so psycho on her just because of the distance. I need to chill out. Obviously it’s ruining us. So…I just said that I needed time to think about things.” Kelley said.

“Did you say that you were still exclusive?” Alex asked.

“No- I mean-“

Everyone but Kelley groaned out of frustration.

“Do I need to say that? I mean I never mentioned that I wanted to see other people. Wait…do you think she wants to see other people??”

 

¥¥

 

_Kelley: Do you want to see other people?_

Christen never wanted to look at Kelley’s photo again. She erased all the pictures she had with Kelley off of her phone.

She was halfway into the gallon of rocky road when she got the text from Kelley and had in a lactose filled rage she blocked Kelley’s number.

Christen was devastated.

_Why doesn’t she want me anymore?_

Kelley had talked about not liking the person she was becoming.

_What did I do to make you into a bad person?_

She just let Kelley talk the night she had come over to basically rip her heart out. She loved Kelley so much that she just put a smile on her face because it seemed Iike Kelley had a lot of hope that time away from her could make Kelley a better person. Kelley looking hopeful was a beautiful thing. Even if it meant that she just didn’t want to see Christen as much.

She had been answering Kelley’s calls because they seemed sad and lonely, and all she wanted to do was make Kelley happy.

But getting this text from Kelley was a wake up call.

It wasn’t just in her head. Kelley really was seeing someone else.

“Oh baby.”

Christen looked up to see Julie and Ali looking at her with so much pity. They grabbed the spoon out of her hand and held her the whole night.

 

]]

 

_Kelley: I’m just asking because Al told me that you mentioned it_

_Kelley: I don’t want to see other people_

_Kelley: I thought it was just assumed that I’m yours pumpkin_

_Kelley: I mean if you wanted to…I love you so if you’d feel like you’d need to then I’ll support you.._

_Kelley: pumps?_

Kelley turned her phone back over an hour after sending that last text.

Her heart dropped to her stomach to see that all the text bubbles sent to Christen were green.

Christen had blocked her.

 

  * •



 

“I don’t know dude. Maybe it’s a good thing.” Tobin said with a shrug.

“What the fuck are you talking about Heath?” Kelley said as she sipped the last of her cup of coffee. She threw her paper cup down into the ocean over the balcony of the dock.

“This is the space you wanted dude.” Tobin said lazily.

“Yeah but I don’t want her thinking that I’m with someone else!” Kelley yelled.

“Chill.” Tobin said when she bopped Kelley on the head. She looked like she was about to explode, and Tobin had just stomped out the tire.

Kelley pouted as she rubbed the top of her head.

“Orlando’s got the bi-week. Alex is going to go and talk to her. She’ll set everything straight. You just need to focus on stopping me from scoring.” Tobin said with a little smirk sneaking in at the end of her statement.

But Kelley was paying no attention to that.

“This is fucking bullshit. All I wanted was for Christen to just pay fucking attention to me. And now she won’t even-“

Kelley sighed. She pushed the home button to see her favorite picture of Christen giving a really happy looking Kelley a kiss on the cheek.

_Why don’t you want me anymore?_

“Hey. Chill.” Tobin said when she put her arm around Kelley’s shoulders to soothe her.

“Christen loves you dude. She’s just having her freak out moment.” Tobin said with a shrug.

 

>> 

 

“She’s not! Ugh you’re so annoying!” Alex yelled when she kicked the ball into Christen’s feet.

“Whatever Al.” Christen said with a shrug.

“I flew all the fucking way over here so please just fucking listen to me.” Alex said with authority.

“Kelley’s not seeing anyone else. Period.”

Christen stopped in her tracks. She looked down at her feet.

“I can’t believe you.” She mumbled quietly. 

“And why is that?” Alex asked with a frustrated sigh.

“Because then that means that I’m the one who is seeing other people.”

Alex hung her head in her hands.  “What are you talking about?”

 

~~

 

Kelley could literally see everything go red.

She didn’t like what she was doing, she didn’t like the animal that was rearing its ugly head. But she couldn’t help it.

“Dude. It was just a coffee date.” She heard Sydney say. But it didn’t matter to Kelley.

For all Kelley heard was that someone else had taken Christen out in a date and that was all she needed to hear to go off on bender.

She didn’t make that weeks training. Channing had to wake her up from her spot on the living room floor when Channing had found her there at 2 in the afternoon. No one really knew what Kelley had done for the three days that she had missed practice and no one saw her at night either.

It was Erin that found her sprawled out on her bed, next to a random looking blonde who was fully unclothed and as blacked out as Kelley was.

That’s when it was really REALLY time for Kelley to realize that she really did need space and time and help. This was beyond just needing a break. This was something that needed actual attention.  

That’s when she had gotten a personal leave from LAFC and went off the grid. No one had contact with her. No one, not even Syd or Channing knew where she went, and the only word that she was alive was a text from Kelley’s mom saying that she was okay.

“She just flew too close to the sun. She needed to chill.” Alex said to a very sullen Christen over the phone.

“Alex did I do this to her?” Christen asked through the tears she was battling.

“No. It’s her and her mind. Okay? She’s going to take care of it.”

 

\\\

 

It took ten weeks.

Kelley’s absence had made waves around the NWSL and the US team, all wishing her well.

No one expected Kelley to be gone for that long, and her location surprisingly was kept a real secret. The location of Kelley’s ‘recovery’ was made known to Kelley’s mom, her sister, and someone at US. Soccer and LAFC. Other than that, it was all just speculation.

But her absence rocked no one harder than that of Christen Press.

Maybe it would have been good for Christen to get some type of help of her own, but she just let her mind eat away itself at the thought of really losing Kelley.

Every day she thought about what Kelley was doing and if she was doing better. She thought about if Kelley was sending her a goodnight vibe to her at 10pm in whatever time zone she was in.

It was in that tenth week when she had tuned into a LAFC match to see Kelley, a real human being on the screen warming up, when she realized that maybe Kelley hadn’t been sending her goodnights.

She looked focused. Kelley looked good. She looked like she was excited to be on the field. Kelley looked like she must have been spending her time off still working out, because she didn’t look winded at all.

Christen wished that she would be a better person and not feel immensely heartbroken that she wasn’t one of the first people to be told that Kelley was back.

 

**

 

It had probably been three months since Christen’s experienced the hair on the back of her neck rising at the smell of baked cookies.

It was dark outside when she was walking home from the library. Christen stopped in her tracks.

She heard the slip of someone else’s footsteps behind her.

“What’re you doing here?” She asked quietly. She didn’t turn around. Christen didn’t think that she could handle the sight just yet.

“I missed you.” She heard the soft voice reply.

Christen kept walking. She watched her left foot, then her right foot. Left foot, then her right foot. She could hear the invisible girl’s footsteps mimic hers.

“I know you slept with someone else.” Christen said as she continued to walk.

She could hear the stutter in Kelley’s step.

“Erin told me that she had found you passed out…with her.”

They both continued to walk. It seemed to really just the two of them here on this night on campus.

“I’m sorry.” Kelley’s voice sounded so small.

“I’m not ready to see you, right now.” Christen said when she stopped in her tracks. She heard that Kelley halted her steps, too.

The smell of chocolate chip, the sadness in Kelley’s voice, and the the fact that she was being stalked by a known creeper, all of it was making Kelley so real for her. Too real.

For three months, Kelley had been a concept. An intangible. Something that Christen more than missed.

And as much as she yearned for Kelley’s presence when she saw her on TV to debut her homecoming, Christen realized that she needed more time.

Just a little bit longer so that she could be ready.

She felt shivers when she felt Kelley come up close to her from behind.

Christen felt Kelley grab onto her pinky finger.

“Is this okay?” Kelley whispered.

Christen had to put her hand up to her eyes when she tried to abate the sudden burst of tears that were threatening to spill.

She nodded. This was okay for now.

“Can I at least make sure you get home, pumpkin?”

_Will you forgive me?_

The frog in her throat prevented her from speaking. Christen just nodded again.

She eventually slipped loose from Kelley’s pinky hold to walk back home. Christen could hear the footsteps of Kelley who had to have been ten paces behind her as she walked home.

When she got to her apartment, she fumbled for her keys and she looked down at them for a very long time as she thought about what she wanted to say.

She couldn’t come up with much, but she hoped it was enough.

“Goodnight” she called out without looking back.

_always_

Christen turned the knob when she heard a very soft, “Goodnight, CP.”

 

^^

 

 


	7. Always For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didnt even look back to edit ill do it later

 

 

“I don’t blame you.”

“Christen.”

“I’ve never blamed you.”

It was hard to hear that statement. If that statement was true, then it meant that it really was over, what she and Kelley had.

There was no more reason to hold onto Kelley. It had been eight years since she first saw her, and so with that time, the reasons were…no more.

It had to be if Sydney Leroux was telling her that she didn’t blame Christen for ending it. Sydney, no matter how much she would always love and care for Christen, which was a great amount, would always at the end of the day, vouch for Kelley.

“I’m serious.” Syd said with assurance.

“Kelley is a fucking handful for me sometimes. She’s reckless. She’s a fucking klepto. I mean she…by no means is perfect. I don’t blame you for wanting to end it.” She added.

“I’m sorry.” Christen said quietly.  “I just feel like you always take her side.”

Sydney started chuckling. And then it morphed into actual knee-slapping laughter.

“That’s exactly what Kelley says to me when you two fight. Every single time. ” Syd said. Her laughter eventually abated. Christen couldn’t really join in because she’s never really gotten in the middle of Sydney and Kelley’s relationship.

“I don’t really have anything to say. I didn’t know that she had…ya know... with that girl. She didn’t tell me.” Sydney said.

Christen just sipped on her drink. She watched the people go by through the shopping strip. She didn’t really know how to respond.

“She has NEVER told me about the times she did all that stuff. Even back then. She never wants to talk about it. And she talks to me about everything. LIKE EVERYTHING. You know, she would tell me -she told me she thought you were such a bitch that day – you remember when you came and brought her lunch and you had had a bad day- remember? When you flew in from the shoot?”

“Oh yeah.” Christen chuckled.

“Yeah well,” Sydney chuckled too. “She spent three hours of training grumbling about what a bitch flights make you into. She told me everything. When she was head over heels over you, when she was mad at you, when you hated her, everything.  Except that.”

“Why is that?” Christen asked softly.

Sydney chewed on the straw of her drink. She chewed on the thought too.

“You ever get the sense that whenever you’re in a room with her, that everyone wants to be the most important person to Kelley?” She asked seriously.

“I mean really think about it. Everyone wants to be her friend or date her or understand her…everyone loves her. Would you agree?”

Of course Christen would agree. She nodded.

“Well there’s never not a second where she’s not trying to be the most important person to you.”

 

  * •



 

“Hi.”

Christen was a little breathless at the sight of Zan at her (Channing’s) door. The last moment they had together felt very final.

And Zan was standing here in all her mysterious beauty just smiling at her. It wasn’t a big and bright one, because Zan was never that person. Christen always wondered why. But, nonetheless, this little smile would mean the world to whoever Zan ended up with. The chance to see if made her breathless.

“Hey.”

Christen felt weird when caught herself trying to comb out the tangled clumps of hair on her head and flatten down the frizz so that she could look presentable. She knew that she still very much wanted to know who Zan Miller was, regardless if they were together.

“What are you doing here? I mean- it’s a nice surprise.” Christen said, her eyes sort of mesmerized. The woman in front of her had that effect on her.

“Well, I didn’t want to block out a huge chunk of your time. But I just dropped by to…I don’t know…I figured you were the person to tell.”

“Tell me what?”

Zan smiled again at the realization of something.

“By you’re reaction, I guess you’re not the person…”

Christen wondered what she meant. Christen always wondered what Zan meant.

“Well can you do me a favor?” Zan asked nicely.

“Anything.” Christen said.

“Can you tell O’Hara that I forgive her?”

Christen just stared on. She didn’t know if she wanted to laugh, or what. But she was confused.

“Sure…for…something specific?” Christen inquired.

Zan smirked. She got her affirmation that Christen was definitely not the person that would know what message was to be delivered.

“You can just tell her, I won’t be pressing charges. I don’t got the time to see it out. And she’s not worth it.”

 _“_ That’s actually…very kind of you.” Christen said with sincerity.

“Well what can I say? I’m a good person. One that you’re gonna miss out on, Christen Press.” Zan said with a softness that conveyed that she really did mean these words. And Christen knew they were true.

Zan gave her a smile again, and then turned to walk back to her car.

It made Christen feel very sad. Like a black cloud literally zoomed over her in this moment. She hated when people left.

Zan turned back around.

“Oh- and tell her that I agree. Christen Press’s heart really is worth stealing for.”

Christen felt her heart ache. Literally. She watched this woman who she now knew she fell in love with for real, walk away from her. For real this time.

Christen’s never felt from anyone else what Kelley had made her feel, but she knew that it was possible to find love with someone else, in another, heartbreaking way. The heartbreak being the realization that you could love, but it not be enough for you to make them stop in their tracks, turn around, and come back to you.

Zan stood there and smiled again at her when she opened the door to her car. That smile – it wasn’t a mystery this time. Christen knew exactly what Zan was trying to tell her in that moment.

It felt bittersweet to finally be let in for even just a single second and for it to be revealed to her who Zan Miller really was.

A very beautiful person that wasn’t meant for Christen Press.

 

  * •



 

Christen stared at the back of her little sister’s head. She was thinking about all that her and Channing had been through together as a family. She wondered how they’ve managed to keep this up – this life together as a family. She was lucky. Christen had to hold onto the people she still had. 

They were walking in an aisle at Whole Foods, and it was when Channing reached for an avocado, that she blurted out the question:

“How is Kelley doing?”

This was obviously the sorest subject between the two sisters. The fights had abated, but their relationship consisted of avoidance whenever Kelley came up in conversation. So it surprised even herself when she asked it.

“Um...She’s…Kelley.” Channing said after a long moment of deliberation of what she should say.

“Is she eating?”

“Not as much as she probably should, but I don’t think she’s- I think she’s just above the dangerous threshold. She’s still training, and all so I think that’s what keeping her above that threshold.” Channing explained.

Christen nodded. It wasn’t great news, but it wasn’t bad. 

“She’s probably at a better weight now.”

“Yeah, I mean last time I saw her, she seemed like she was on track to getting back to normal weight.” Christen offered.

“Yeah. I mean I think she’s relapsed in everything since ya know…the new information came to light..”

Christen nodded along. She didn’t want to think about how she felt when she learned of that _new_ information about the amount of times Kelley had an affair.

“Her eating…and then her stealing…but she’s getting…better. She’s not good. But she’s getting better.” Channing explained.

“Well that’s good.” Christen said before she picked up a box of cereal and absentmindedly read it’s label.

“Just because we’re not together doesn’t mean I want her to be…like that.”

Channing nodded.

That was the only mention of Kelley that day, but Christen felt like maybe the healing of her relationship with her sister, her only family, could be the best sort of retribution to the consequences of Kelley’s infidelity.

 

  * •



 

She had they key in her hand for a very long time. Christen didn’t want to admit it, but she had been holding onto it, literally, for two days before she found the time to drive to her old house.

Christen looked down at the key in her hand.

It was her key to her and Kelley’s house. The one Kelley wasn’t going to let go of no matter what.

And Christen was here, in her driveway, ready to let it go.

She took a deep breath before she walked up to the house.

It was a beautiful house. Not because of the way it looked, but because of the way it made her feel when they first bought it. It was unexplainable. But Christen was getting used to looking at beautiful things she was preparing herself to let go of.

Christen knocked on the door. She took a deep breath. She waited.

After a few minutes, she knocked again. She craned her neck to look inside through the window.

It was possible that Kelley had her car parked in the garage, something she was never able to do when they lived together since Christen had the bigger vehicle, So that’s why she had knocked.

But after a long while of no answer, she looked done at the very thing in her hand that would be the literal key to the door to letting all of this go.

She put it into the keyhole.

She sighed.

Then she turned it and opened the door. 

It still smelled the same. It still wreaked of Kelley. It still wreaked of their old life. It was something different to have all of your senses assaulted by the literal air that was your old life. It felt kind of suffocating be here when all she came her to do was to NOT be here. Everything in here was Kelley. 

Bittersweet.

It felt like the day she moved out, but even worse. The day she moved out, she felt like so sad to not be with Kelley, Or to identify as Kelley’s. But it was Worse now because she was thinking that maybe she would happier if she left Kelley behind.

Christen had to speed this up. She had to get out here.

So she walked up the very old indoor shoes of Kelley’s that has never moved from its spot in the closet under the stairs before she were to leave. She touched them. She’d miss these. Christen didn’t really know why it was this particular thing that she instantly went to. 

Then she made the decision to walk away.

She decided. It was time to do it. 

She turned around to do just that.

But her letting go, this moment got interrupted by the most adorable, random sight of a beautiful brown dog standing by the opened entrance of the house, its tail wagging while it looked at her curiously. Just as curiously as Christen was looking at it. 

“Hi.”

It barked at her. Not viciously at all, it was more like it was saying hello back. It’s paws pitter pattered across the wooden floors when it excitedly trotted over to her with its tongue hanging out.

Christen’s always loved dogs, but this one was different. This one was special. she felt an instant connection to it. She ran her fingers throughthe the fur of its coat while the dog (it was a she) wagged its tail and started curling up to her. She licked Christen’s face and it was love at first sight.

Christen got down on the wood of the floor and she let her purse lay down next to her when she got to know this wonderful creature that was showing so much unconditional love right now, that she didn’t know if she could handle it. It was the least expected thing she would have encountered here on this floor. 

“Well, hi! What’s your name?”

She barked. Then she licked Christen in the face again.

She could talk apparently.

They talked, they cuddled, Christen told her all of her embarrassing life stories while she scratched the belly of this non-human soul mate of hers. She didn’t know if this was a dog that had just walked in because Christen had left the front door open or what, but this was the happiest she’s been in a very long time, playing with this pup.

“Who do you belong to missy?”

Another bark.

“Okay okay. I know that no one actually _owns_ you, because no one is a slave to anyone, but who gives you food every night?”

Another bark.

Christen was in love.

“Well I gotta find out who is missing you.” Christen explained.

Another bark.

“Nuh uh. I’m sure they’re really worried about you. They’ll be happy when you see them.” Christen said when she bent down to give her another belly scratch.

“BROOKLYN! IM TRYING TO SLEEP! WHAT IS SO-“

Christen froze.

So did the owner of this dog (Brooklyn, apparently) when she was coming down the stairs, and she spotted Christen with her dog.

“I’ve just been hanging out with her.” Christen  said with a light tone after a long moment of silence. She stood back up. Brooklyn was still wagging her tail.

“What are you doing here?” Kelley softly asked when she slowly went down the rest of the stairs.

Kelley really did look like she had been pulled out of a nap.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just barge in here-“

“It’s okay.” Kelley said with a big and sleepy smile. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and then Christen watched Brooklyn walk over to Kelley and then stand on her hind legs so that she could give her a hug.

“Thank you Brooklyn, I forgive you for waking me up.” Kelley said in a sweet tone.

Christen looked on with curiosity.

_When did Kelley get a dog?_

It was also a new thing to see Kelley with a pet that was hers. Kelley’s always wanted one, but she never gotten one. It was because of her work schedule and her lifestyle, so Christen had only seen Kelley with a dog that Erin made her babysit, or she would play with a stranger’s pup when they encountered one. But here she was with her own, finally.

“Brookie, this is Christen. You be nice.” Kelley instructed when she sat down on the living room couch and scratched Brooklyn’s belly.

She then looked up to the woman that was effectively an intruder in her home, and smiled. Christen hadn’t seen Kelley in a month, nor has she received any communication with her since she was blocked on Christen’s phone, so it was a nostalgic sight to see it. There was no way you couldn’t smile in the presence of this dog. Or the sight of Kelley with this adorable pup.

“When did you get her?” Christen asked. She slowly made her way over to them, and Brooklyn quickly shifted her attention to Christen.

“Aww. She loves you. Of course she does.” Kelley said gently.

“Um..Brooks when did we meet? Like…two weeks ago? We met at that shelter. They were about to put her down.” Kelley said with a grimace.

Brooklyn barked in agreement.

Christen was falling more in love by the second.

“She’s beautiful.” Christen offered.

“She is.” Kelley said while she stared straight at Christen.

They both just petted, scratched, and played with Brooklyn, who’s tail hadn’t stopped wagging. She was loving all the attention. She reminded Christen of Kelley, someone whose always needed attention. 

“So um…Brooklyn’s usually the one people want to see when they come around here…but was there something you needed or..” Kelley asked cautiously.

“Oh. Right!” Christen exclaimed.

All the excitement of Brooklyn had completely taken over. She came over here with a purpose.

“I mean, I’d always want you here…but um-“

“No. Yeah.” Christen gave the dog one more scratch before she stood back up and found her purse.  “I’m sorry. I just got sidetracked by her.”

Kelley smirked when she looked down at the dog version of herself.

“She’s great isn’t she?” Kelley asked. 

“She is.” Christen said seriously. She probably meant that about the dog.

“But um-“

“Was there something you left here or-?”

“No. I…” Christen remembered that she had thrown the key into her purse when she had entered. She started shifting through it. She clawed through the candy wrappers, the billion pens of lip liner, and pens with actual ink, jewelry, Kelley’s old hat, and just shit, before she found the key at the bottom of it all.

She stared at it.

She thought about the decision she had just made before meeting Brooklyn, the dog version of Kelley.

“You okay, CP?” Kelley asked.

“Yeah!” She knocked herself out of her thoughts.

 “Um…” she looked back down into her purse.

She looked up at Kelley.

She looked at Brooklyn.

She caught sight of those old indoor shoes.

“Your hat. I came to give you your…hat.” She said lamely.

“Ah.” Kelley smiled. It looked like she really had been missing it. Christen had grabbed it from Zan  (they were broken up already) when Zan came over to tell her that Kelley had broken into her vehicle. Christen remembered that she was a little angry that Zan was quick to make an assumption, but once She produced Kelley’s old surfing cap as a relic left behind at the crime scene, that’s when she knew Kelley relapsed.

“I gave her everything back. Including the very expensive watch.” Kelley said when she took the hat.

“I know. She told me. You always put it back now.” Christen said with a small smile.

Kelley swung the cap on her finger while the moment grew silent.

“Hey. Um. Did you want to st-“ Kelley stopped midsentence. She made an obvious pause. She looked down at her feet.

Kelley tried, but she didn’t ask her to stay.

That was different.

“So um- yeah I gotta head out.” Christen said when she pointed to the opened door.

“Gotta do stuff for Channing.” Christen explained.

“Okay.” Kelley said softly.

“Brooklyn say bye.”

Brooklyn barked and then walked up to Christen to say her goodbyes.

Before Christen drove away, she smiled at the sight of Kelley waving goodbye with her hand, and Brooklyn with her tail.

 

  * •



 

Even if she wasn’t going to have Kelley in her life anymore, there was still a sense of peace she attained knowing that Erin still wanted to be in her life. She was just like Channing, wanting to still hold on.

“Well I don’t know who else I would go with.” Erin had reasoned when she had asked Christen to go to Kelley’s US game vs. France.

“Everyone’s tied up, and since it’s basically a cream puff opener against Costa Rica…no one’s gonna make the trip.”

Christen had told Erin that she needed a few days, but really she had made the decision once she was asked.

Christen didn’t know why she did want to go. She liked to tell herself it was so that she could see Alex and Tobin, because it had been a while.

Christen laid her head on Erin’s shoulder while the stadium filled and the team was warming up. They were both watching Kelley warm up. The seats obtained were high up enough for anyone on the field to pick them out, but it was close enough for Christen to see the features of her ex girlfriend’s face.

_Why am I here?_

She didn’t want to ask herself this, but the question kept resurfacing. She didn’t even know if Tobin or Alex was starting tonight. So her brain really wanted to know. 

_Exactly. So why I am here?_

She had this internal battle waged in her mind all throughout the match. Christen didn’t speak much, she never really lifted her head from Erin’s shoulder, but it seemed like the eldest O’Hara understood.

She watched Kelley play. She watched Alex play, and she cheered on Tobin’s two assists and three goals of the night. She also cheered when Tobin was announced player of the match.

Those were the good parts of the night.

But the bad parts. Those were after the game. It was when family and friends and VIPs could mingle on the field post match and of course, Erin and Christen were approved. After all, they were Kelley’s family.

But when Christen stepped on the grass, she froze.

“You okay?” Erin asked.

“I don’t think I ca-“

“Okay.” Erin said while nodding her head. “I understand. I told her I was taking my boyfriend. She doesn’t have to-“

“I’m just going to wait in the parking lot. Okay?”

Erin gave her a nod and a smile.

“I’m just gonna say hi.” Erin reassured.

It was nerve wracking she had to admit. Christen found herself biting her nails. She knew that Kelley didn’t see her. Just like she wanted it to be 

_So then why are you here?_

“Stop feasting on those.”

She turned to see Tobin Heath in all of post match glorious sweatiness. Christen remembered how the sight of Tobin made her feel even before she met this woman. It was kind of how she felt now when she saw that bright, high wattage smile she had on her face when Christen realized who was talking to her.

“Whatcha doing out here?” Tobin inquired when she took a sip of her water and leaned onto Erin’s car.

“Nothing.” Christen said with a light tone.

“Obviously.” Tobin said with a smirk.

“Avoiding?”

Christen nodded.

“Then why are you here?” Tobin asked. Like it was a simple question with a simple answer. Christen looked to her for the answer. She knew that Tobin May have known the answer but that she would not be the one to answer it.

_I don’t know._

“You know why.” Tobin said before she down the rest of her bottle.

“Are you ready yet?” Tobin inquired.

“No.”

“Okay.” Tobin said with a simple shrug to denote that it was all fine and dandy.

She filled the space with words when she knew Christen couldn’t. She told Christen that Kelley had informed her of her brush with the law.

“She’s such a fucking thief.” Tobin said with a chuckle.

“Has she ever stolen anything from you?” She asked curiously. Christen racked her brain. It was a very interesting question.

“I mean other than the trust from your relationship?” Tobin asked knowingly.

_Ain’t that right._

Christen chuckled. “Good way to put it.”

“Ah well.” Tobin shrugged. “Since she’s met you, she’s always returned what shes stolen right? She’s always put it back?”

Christen wasn’t ready for that question.

“Well I know she will try to when it comes to this.” Tobin said.

 

  * •



 

“Hey. Kelley just texted me. She wanted to know if she can come by today.”

“Um.” Christen pulled on the strings of the balloons that were floating all over Channing’s living room.

“She says that Brooklyn wants to wish you a happy birthday.”

Channing chuckled.

“She’s good. Using a dog as an excuse.” She commented with an approving nod.

Christen smiled as well, but she had to think about it. Really, there was nothing else she ever thought about nowadays.

“Tell her I’ll..think about it.” Christen said with a grimace. Even though it’s all she did, she didn’t like that she was now obligated to do so.

“I’ll tell her another day?” Channing asked. That was usually the answer that Christen would default to.

As the days were rolling by and it was the year mark reminding her that life was finite, Christen felt the need to remind herself not to punish herself for knowing that she didn’t just want to see Brooklyn.

They came over right before dinner.

Channing conveniently had to run to the grocery store to pick up something for the meal she was going to cook for her older sister, so when she heard a bark before she heard the doorbell, it was just going to be the three of them. Christen kind of wished Channing hadn’t left when she went to go open the door.

“Hey you. Brooklyn wanted to say ‘happy birthday old woman!’”

Brooklyn wasn’t on a leash, so she practically mauled Christen over with her excitement and love, and Christen was all for it.

“You and Brooklyn want to come in?” She asked. In her sweet baby voice she said ‘yes you do’ while she played with her ears. Before kelley could even answer, Christen took her new friend to the backyard. She heard Kelley follow her.

This really was the best birthday gift. 

They stood there and spent what felt like an hour teaching Brooklyn how to play fetch. The results weren’t consistent or often, but when she did bring it back, Christen would shower that dog with love.

“She’s in love with you.” She heard Kelley say. Christen smiled.

“I’m in love with her.” She said.

No other words were said on the matter. Kelley silently sat down on the grass and gave her dog a nice massage.

“You know she’s exactly like you?”

“Is she?” Kelley asked, clearly amused. She nodded in agreement. “Well it must be fucking tiring to live with me because SHE WEARS ME OUT.”

Christen laughed.

“Brooklyn, What the fuck?” Kelley asked when the pup slobbered all over her. But it looked like Kelley was in love with her as much as Christen was.

“Oh- um-“

Kelley went in the house and grabbed the gift bag that Christen had eyed when the two made their entrance.

“Brooklyn wanted you to have this.”

Christen ruffled through the gift wrap to find a stuffed mini- size replica of Brooklyn that fit in her palms.

“Brooklyn’s very vain.” Kelley commented.

“She wants you to think about her even if you don’t live with her.” Kelley said with a chuckle, but with scared eyes. She didn’t know if Christen was going to like the gesture.

“I think she fell in love with you at first sight.” Kelley said in a whisper like she was letting her in on a very important secret.

Christen hugged mini Brooklyn to her chest while she watched life size Brooklyn run in circles around in Channing’s yard.

“I love it.” She said quietly.

“Can you tell Brooklyn thanks. And that she made my day?” Christen asked. She hated that some tears were pooling around in her eyelids. She didn’t know why this gesture was getting to her. Kelley’s given her stuffed animals many times.

“I will.” Kelley said with a nod.

But there was something about this gesture. And about the dog. She had no idea why her heart was being tugged at harder than Kelley’s usual moves. She stayed silent when she watched her ex-girlfriend get up to play tug of war with Brooklyn. It was hitting her all in such a weird way. Christen was reliving the past eight or some months of her life. And then she weaved it all together with the heartbreakingly beautiful years she’s lived with this fucker right in front of her.

It was hitting her. All of it was.

She looked up and she saw Kelley giving her that fucking bashful smirk.

She gripped onto the stuffed animal that was still held to her chest, even tighter. Christen stayed in her seated spot on the grass watching Kelley try to teach Brooklyn how to sit for a long time, before she turned to see Channing open the backyard door and look on at them curiously.

The least she could do was walk them out. At the door, she gave Brooklyn a very long rubdown. One that the pup enjoyed.

“I’ll miss you.” She said as she cuddled with her. Brooklyn responded with a bark.

“Even though I won’t be living with you, I fell in love with you at first sight, too.” She said as she scratched behind her ears and kept her eyes on this pretty pup.

She couldn’t handle looking at Kelley right now. Nor when she drove off. So she waved a goodbye to her dog.

 

  * •



 

It had been another month before Christen realized why meeting Brooklyn made her have her paralyzing assuagement of nostalgia.

She really fully understood it, with no more doubts harbored, when she sat in the 20th row up in LAFC’s E section, completely still.

Christen had been dragged (debatable) to the game against Orlando by the guilt reigned on her from both Channing and Alex. It had been awhile since she’s last seen Alex since she was in season. And it had been years since her and her little sister had been to a game together.

“Remember that time Kelley ordered a limo for me?”

Christen actually almost forgot.

“Well the least you could do is be my ride because I’m gonna drink!” Her little sister shouted when she grabbed the keys to Christen’s car and walked out the front door.

But the epiphany came after the game.

Channing knew enough not to ask Christen to go onto the field to socialize, so when she ventured off to talk to Kelley, she just asked her if she could be right back.

Kelley had given her a small wave when Channing had pointed out Christen’s location in the stands. Christen waved back. She watched her little sister, alex, Kelley just hang around and talk. It was nothing she’s never witnessed before.

It was when this little boy she’s never seen before in her life came out nowhere and sprinted with his little legs straight to Kelley.

“KELLEY!” He shouted. He begged to be picked up. 

Christen watched as Kelley picked him up so naturally and swung him around.

Her heart started racing when she saw Alex come up and pinch his cheeks, coo at him like a little kid deserves.

Christen didn’t know who this kid was, or who he was related to, but he was IT.

In the moment, she couldn’t verbalize what IT was. But it was in the setting of Christen getting a clear view of what Kelley’s life would have looked life if she had stayed with her first love and she had never met Christen, that she realized IT.

That moment was a gift, really. It was one because it hurt so much.

Kelley looked like she was having the time of her life swinging this little kid around. Yelling and shouting and teaching him how to do a handstand. Alex was standing right next to her, criticizing Kelley for trying to teach him to do something ‘dangerous’.

“Kelley. His bones aren’t fully developed you can’t be-“

“Alex chill out!”

And to anyone else the sight of those three goofing around, would have meant nothing. But to Christen it meant everything.

And she didn’t realize that she had been watching them for a long time until she registered that Alex was staring right back at her.

Kelley was chasing this boy, but Alex had been still in her spot looking right at Christen.

She didn’t know what words would have been exchanged, but Alex’s sorrow that she had been carrying around since her divorce was nowhere to be seen on her face. She gave Christen an eyebrow raise telling her that what was on the field right now, was still possible.

_But it’s up to you._

  * _•_



_“_ SHIT!!!!” Kelley yelled. Christen saw her grab at her chest to calm her heart beating.

“You fucking scared me!” Kelley said when she let out a chuckle to calm everything down.

Christen nervously grabbed onto Kelleys’s door locker that had apparently been hiding her from Kelley’s view. The nerves were so strong that Christen hadn’t yet opened her mouth. She had no idea what she was doing.

She saw Kelley take a nervous gulp.

“I’m sorry. I thought everyone had left.” Kelley said.

Christen was still just looking at her, somehow at a loss with words, but with so much to say.

Then Kelley’s eyes turned from cautious to soft and concerned.

“You okay, pumpkin?”

Christen hadn’t heard Kelley call her that in years. It had been a _very long time._ She didn’t remember the last time Kelley called her that, but it reminded her of cookies. It reminded her of their life together.

“When I met you, I saw you, and then I fell in love with you.” Christen said slowly. 

Kelley looked like she was realizing that regardless if she was ready for this conversation, Christen was going to force it. it was happening.

“I…Kelley-I love you. I really do. But all I had been wanting to do for awhile, is forget what you look like.”

Kelley definitely wasn’t ready for this conversation. She was picking at her nails. 

“How could you…How is it even possible for you to do that to me?” Christen asked. It was hard to finally ask that question. Within the past nine months, she’s never asked Kelley why she did what she did. She didn’t want to give Kelley any time or any chance to explain these unexplainable actions. But right now, this was the most vulnerable she’s felt with Kelley in a long time. Even when she had her clothes off in their old bed, while she went home to someone else, she’s never felt more vulnerable as right now.

“I…”

Kelley shook her head.

“I don’t know.” It looked like it was the truth.

“I thought you loved me.” Christen said with a confused shake to her head.

“I DO.” Kelley said fiercely.

“I-“ Kelley wiped her eyes. “I just did a fucked up thing because I felt like you didn’t love me anymore, but I love-

“The only reason you can hurt me so much, is because I _love_ you so much.” Christen said, like it was a proclamation she’s never ever given Kelley before. 

“And I’m broken by you.” Christen tearfully stayed.

“Christen, I don’t want to hear this.” Kelley said hurriedly before she put her hands over her eyes to cover herself. She didn’t resurface.

“And I don’t know if I can ever be the same after that.” Christen cried. She was glad that Kelley wasn’t looking at her because the tears were embarrassing. But they were at full force and she wouldn’t be able to stop them. 

“Please don’t leave me.” Kelley quietly begged.  She still had her face in the crook of her arm that was leaned up against the lockers.

Christen swallowed down the fresh batch of tears that were falling with what she was about to say.

“Kelley. We’ve been together for eight something years.  I thought we were going to last forever, but eight years is still a really long time.”

“CHRISTEN, DON’T!” Kelley begged.

“Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.” She begged while she put her head in between her arms and turned around so that she wasn’t facing the person that would tear her apart.

“If you want to see someone else then I can manage, but please don’t leave me.”

Christen tried to regain her composure. Kelley’s vulnerability was warping her reality.

“Kelley, I can’t-“

“I just want to be able to see you every once in awhile! Please! It doesn’t have to be often if you can’t do it, it can be whenever you can do it, but-“

“Stop.” Christen ordered. “Thats not a life I want to live.”

Kelley turned back around so that she could protest.

“STOP TALKING.” Christen said. Kelley shutup. She was looking at her. Really really looking at her.

“It’s my fucking turn to talk.” Christen said quietly.

“I can’t do that, Kell.” She said.

“Because if you were to do this to me again, I’d- id still…” Christen shook her head.

“Love you as much I do now.”

Kelley’s eyes widened.

“I can’t live that life because it’s a not a life to live. And I want to live a life with you.”

Christen stepped a little closer. She didn’t look Kelley in the eyes, but she placed her hand on Kelley’s chest.

“If I were to leave, I’d always be waiting to hear your footsteps following me.” Christen said. She could feel Kelley’s body vibrate from the tears.

Kelley just put her hand on top of Christen’s that was on her chest and cried her eyes out.

“Don’t break my heart again.” Christen begged. “Because if you do, It won’t ever work again.”

Kelley furiously shook her head because she couldn’t speak through all of the sobs.

“It’s pretty broken, but I don’t have to look for love when it comes to you Kelley O’Hara.

“Because I was pissed, you fucking broke me, and I didn’t want to see you, but I’m still going to love you at the beginning and ending of every fucking day.”

Kelley wiped her eyes and she brought Christen in closer.

“Are you coming back home?” She asked.

Christen nodded.

“For you, Kelley O’Hara. Always for you.”

 

 

 


	8. Some Things Have Changed

It was one of those rare moments in which Christen was the one to duck her head and realize that she messed up.

Even before she could turn off the ignition, Kelley had gotten out of the car, and without a word, walked right inside their home through their garage. Christen sighed when she watched the mop of wet hair on her girlfriend’s hair as she entered the house, just hoping that Kelley would turn around and wait for her.

The door closed shut behind Kelley. Not one glance backwards. Kelley was really pissed off.

Christen pulled out her phone. She could decline or reschedule the shoot. It would irritate her agent, and her whole team, but Christen knew that Kelley’s anger about all of this had finally reached the tipping point. Tonight wasn’t the night to protest and remind Kelley that this was her career because this was the fifth game that Christen had arrived late to. Christen couldn’t control the delayed flights, but she felt deeply disappointed in herself when she saw Kelley sitting on the curb, all alone, waiting for her girlfriend to pick her up.

Kelley was usually the one to refrain from playing mind games or mask their true emotion, but when Kelley just murmured a ‘it’s fine’ when she apologized for not making it to the game and being super late in picking Kelley up to bring her home, she knew that Kelley’s anger was probably justified.

“I can’t control the weather, muffin.” Christen had said when she broke the silence on the ride back home.

“I know.” Kelley said when she continued to look straight ahead.

“How was the game?”

“I played like shit.” Kelley said with a sigh. “Are you at least coming to the game against Canada in November?”

Christen bit down on her tongue. Kelley wasn’t going to like the answer. Her silence responded for her. Kelley just threw a silent fit and tilted her seat down so that she could try to fall asleep the whole way.

Kelley’s irritation had grown from sad to annoyed, to upset, to mad, and tonight, the worst of all, to resentful. The delayed flight this time wasn’t going to be enough to soothe Kelley’s pain of Not having Christen’s attention when it came to her career.

Christen texted back and forth with her agent, trying to negotiate her way into being free for her girlfriend’s game. The negotiation took awhile and when she looked at her watch, she had realized that she had been in her car, texting her agent for 30 minutes. 30 minutes in which she didn’t really get the time off because they had left it to decide later.

Christen got out of the car, she got Kelleys USA bag out of the trunk and walked in. Kelley was nowhere on the first floor of their home. She hadn’t even pulled a snack out from the fridge and left her dishes out like she always did. Christen turned off all the lights before she made the trek upstairs.

Christen looked around and set down Kelley’s bag when she spotted her just standing in the middle of their closet, her hand on a pile of shirts, but by the look of her face, her mind  far far away.

She approached slowly. She knew that Kelley could see her in her peripherals, but this stage of frustration with Christen was rarely reached, so she wanted to handle this delicately. Christen wrapped her arms around Kelley’s body and held her close. She could feel the stiffness of Kelley and she looked up to see that her girlfriend didn’t want to look at her. Her hold around Kelley loosened.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“You always say that.” Kelley mumbled.

“Baby, I tried. I can’t do anything about the flight.” Christen reminded her.

“Okay.”

Christen took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair when Kelley got loose from her embrace and walked back into their room. She got out of her nice clothes and into Kelley’s old Stanford shirt on for something comfortable. She would need comfort if she were to face her girlfriend.

She went to brush her teeth and saw Kelley just zoning out as she sat on their bed. Christen ran the water and put the toothpaste on her brush before she stood in the doorway to figure out what it was that Kelley was doing.

The whole time Christen brushed her teeth, Kelley hadn’t moved. Christen didn’t even think she blinked. She was obviously in deep thought, and Christen hoped that Kelley was thinking about forgiving her. She washed her mouth out and felt the wood of their bedroom floor on her toes when she slowly padded over to Kelley.

It looked like even Christen’s proximity wasn’t enough to break her out of her trance.

Christen kneeled down onto the floor and gently untied Kelley’s shoes before she took them off. When they slipped off of her feet, she could see Kelley come back to earth and observe her. Christen slowly untied the other shoe. She pulled it off slowly to not jerk Kelley’s leg.

She gently tugged the tube socks she had on and ran her hand up Kelley’s legs all the way to the waistband of her US warmups. She could see Kelley’s eyes follow her actions. Christen was glad when her girlfriend shifted so that Christen could slowly pull those down and then cast them aside to be put in the proper place for another time.

She could see Kelley slowly tearing down the wall she built on the ride home.

Christen stood up and unzipped the jacket she had. She lifted the training shirt underneath slowly when Kelley rose her arms for her. Kelley seemed more at attention when they locked eyes.

Christen climbed onto the bed and onto Kelley.

“I love you.” Christen whispered. She dabbed a little kiss on Kelley’s nose and she smiled at the adorable look on her girlfriend’s scrunched up face.

“I’m going to make it to the Canada game. I promise.”

Kelley sighed. Her mood returned.

“That’s what you said last time. And the game before that..”

“I know.” Christen admitted. She looked down at her fiddling hands. Work had been getting crazy and Christen had been making A LOT of money. There were times when she had to pick signing a new deal with companies that wanted Christen associated with their brand, over a guaranteed blowout game against Thailand.

“You never have time for me anymore.” Kelley said sadly.

She’s heard Kelley say that more than once in these past few weeks. It had been three months since they’ve seen each other. Kelley’s camp took up most her schedule since it was approaching the tournament of nations  season, and Christen had been flying out to do shoots, to pick products, and to do all this stuff that made her take a lot of trips up north. Last minute meetings or changes in schedule really fucked them up. Sometimes Christen couldn’t get out of something to answer her FaceTime with Kelley, and a lot of times, Kelley was out on the field when Christen had breaks.

“Kelley. You have me.” Christen reminded her.

“Do I?”

Christen sunk into Kelley’s lap. She looked at her. Kelley wasn’t joking when she asked that. Christen felt devastated that her partner in life was asking her that question.

“I will never give myself to anyone other than you.” Christen said seriously when she nervously fidgeted with the waistband of Kelley’s underwear, her eyes cast downward because she couldn’t look and believe that Kelley asked her that.

“I never have you.”

Christen felt herself being torn into pieces.

“Kelley. It’s only been three months-“

“Only??” Kelley asked with disbelief. “Who have you been sleeping with up there that you’ve been able to go-“

Christen climbed off of Kelley and off of their bed.

“What the fuck did you just ask me?!?” She felt disgusted.

“Who has been sleeping with MY GIRLFRIEND? Is it that Zane or Zan or whatever the fuck her name is??”

Up until this point, Christen had never had an embarrassing lip-quivering cry in front of Kelley because all she has done is make Christen happy, but Christen couldn’t help the tears forming and the quivering. She hastily grabbed Kelley’s clothes that she had thrown on the floor so that she could hide her face that showed how hurt she was.

“Baby.” She could register Kelley’s voice calling after her when she practically ran out of the room so that she could run away and not deal with the fact that Kelley had just accused her of cheating. Christen sought refuge in their laundry room downstairs and cried into a folded T-shirt of hers that Kelley had stolen a long time ago.

This time, it was Kelley that knew that she had to give the other some space. Once she felt like she couldn’t cry anymore,, she did two loads of laundry so that she remained busy and her mind was free to shut down.

But that only lasted for so long.

She felt Kelley standing behind her when she folded the last clean hand towel.

She could hear and FEEL Kelley’s breath.

Christen could feel Kelley’s hands sliding up her sides.

“Why would you even ask me that?”

She didn’t look at Kelley but she felt her girlfriend’s hands freeze on their spot on her body.

“You’re beautiful. There isn’t a shortage of people that would want to take care of you, especially if I’m not there-“

“Why. Would. You. Even. Ask. Me. That”this time she was facing Kelley.

Kelley sighed.

“I’m just your pathetic college girlfriend that’s holding you back from the job you want.” Kelley grumbled. She didn’t even look at Christen when she admitted it.

Christen was learning more about her relationship every minute.

“Kelley. I love you.” Christen said. Her disbelief was taking over again. “How-h…how do I- what did I-what do I have to do to make you believe that again?”

“Stay here. Spend time with me. Pay attention to me.” Kelley begged.

“Babe- I,” Christen was at a loss for which words to choose to tell Kelley that the BOTH of them had jobs that separated them. The national team and club took Kelley away from her for most of the year in the many years of their relationship.

“Don’t go to New York anymore.” Kelley said. “I know I’m being unfair but I want you! And I’m not the bigger person, I can’t act like I’m happy that you’re away from me.”

Christen felt pain in her chest. “Kelley. We’ve done this every year. We’ve spent months apart because of your job.” She reasoned.

“Well I don’t want to do it anymore!” Kelley said indignantly.

Christen paused.

She felt herself take a mental u turn.

“Why? Because now it’s YOU who is the one who has to stay home and wait for me?” Christen pushed back. She felt herself getting angry when Kelley avoided the question and avoided her eyes.

“Is that why?”She asked of her again. Her girlfriend didn’t respond again.

“Well, TOUGH SHIT, Kelley. “ Christen said pointedly. She had to set Kelley straight on the fact that Christen’s spent close to half of her life waiting for Kelley to come home from a game or from a camp. The lonely nights and the short calls were things to deal with. And Kelley was not allowed to throw a fit when she hasn’t been dealt as hard a hand.

“I’ve supported your career from DAY ONE.” Christen said when she poked Kelley in the chest to chastise her.

“I would NEVER EVER tell you to quit soccer. “ Christen shook her head and she tried to reign in her anger.

“You are supposed to support me.” She reminded her girlfriend.

Kelley looked like she didn’t want to listen. She shook her head in defiance.

“I’m just telling you how I feel.” Kelley said quietly.

Christen took a breath.

“Are you telling me that you don’t support my job?” She asked quietly.

Kelley didn’t answer.

 

**

 

“What are you doing here?”

Kelley could see the guard of Christen surround her girlfriend. Even though Christen looked very beautiful with the lights in the makeup mirror illuminating her face, she could tell that happiness wasn’t the first emotion on Christen’s face.

“I wanted to see you.”

She saw the way Christen looked down to avoid her stare. The woman that was doing her makeup resumed her brushing. Kelley just stood there with a box full of cookies in her hand.

She sent her girlfriend to another trailer. Christen made her wait for a long time.

“I’m at work.” Her girlfriend said when she came back Kelley had spent the hour just picking up and putting down all of the random things in Christen’s trailer.

“I know.” Kelley said when she turned around to see Christen in a very beautiful dress and makeup that was too dramatic for every day, but amazing for a shoot.

“What are you doing here?” Christen asked again a little sadly.

It had been two weeks since they had their big fight over Christen’s career. They texted a few times throughout the day but it was minimal.

“I want to take my girl out on a date.” Kelley said, equally as sad. She was begging Christen for forgiveness. She pulled Christen close to her and slowly went in for a kiss that Christen didn’t look like she was going to reject.

“I’m working.” Christen said after their lips had connected for a second.

“Well then I’ll wait.” Kelley responded.

“It’s going to be another two hours.”

Kelley refrained from letting out a frustrated sigh. She reminded herself that she was just happy to see Christen so she knew that a couple more hours wouldn’t add much. She watched TV and ate the food that was set out for all the crew, in the trailer to kill the time.

 

@@

 

Their dinner went fine, it was normal as always. Kelley scarfed down the equivalent of two entrees while Christen ate a salad and watched her girlfriend eat, with a smile on her mouth.

Christen walked throughout the city, pulling Kelley’s arm when she showed her some sights to see, and places to be. Kelley was excited like a little kid to be having an adventure on the east coast. Once she got her bearings and a feel for the place, she was practically skipping alongside her girlfriend.

But when they got back to Christen’s ‘model house’ , Kelley was miserable.

Christen’s roommate’s/ friends had ruined any chance of taking their clothes off. Kelley realized three minutes into meeting them, that she didn’t like them, and she stayed quiet and hid behind Christen, slumped on the couch. They were not her kind of people, and Kelley was kind of surprised that Christen actually liked these people who where stereo typically vain. Her girlfriend was beautiful and rich, and sometimes too used to other people doing chores for her, but her girl wasn’t a self-absorbed shell of a person with no personality. Her girl was beautiful and intelligent and caring. And these people she was surrounding herself with were making Kelley miserable for the evening.

But what made Kelley REALLY miserable was that the person that she _knew_ had the hots for Christen, seemed to be Christen’s best friend.

“Oh I bought those peanut butter oatmeal cookies you like.” Zan mentioned. Kelley hated that Zan was the one getting Christen food these days. She sulked silently.

“Aw Thank you..” Kelley’s girlfriend had replied sweetly.

Kelley felt bitter until she felt Christen’s hand  slip into hers and heard her whisper to her sweetly, “they remind me of you.”

She held onto those sweet words because they were the only things that got her through the evening of hanging out with these models.

“Are you okay muffin?” Christen whispered into her ear as she sat on Kelley’s lap. She ran her fingers to brush Kelley’s hair as she waited for a response. She could see Kelley’s jaw clench. Christen knew that Kelley hated playing games, so she knew that she would get a truthful answer, eventually.

“I want you all to myself.” Kelley finally replied under her breath.

“Do you want to do something -just us?”

Kelley nodded her head. She was thankful that Christen didn’t really pry for an explanation of her unusual antisocial behavior when she held her hand and took her down to a food truck block that was less than a mile away on foot.

She was thankful, because if Christen were to ask, it would start a fight.

“We already ate but do you want…Korean bar b que burritos or…a taco…or a gyro possibly?” Christen asked her when she pulled Kelley along the line of trucks.

“Why am I asking? I’ll buy you all three. I’ll buy a soda too. .” Kelley’s girlfriend said with a smile. Kelley held onto Christen tightly, her face burrowed into the neck of this woman she desperately longed for after they ordered their food and waited for it.

“Aw. Your tummy’s growling already.” Christen said when she put her hand on Kelley’s stomach.

“Are you eating enough back home?”

Kelley nodded.

“Good. I miss your cooking.” Christen said softy. She stroked Kelley’s chin when she said, “I miss you.”

They walked around, Christen carrying the food that  Kelley hadn’t gotten to yet. They people-watched one bench after Kelley took four huge bites to finish her burrito and moved onto her taco. She felt like a winner when Christen found her ability to eat like a bear, charming.

“Christen.”

Kelley took a deep breath, mostly to get more oxygen in her after she had inhaled a big amount of food, but also because she didn’t know how this conversation would go. She didn’t know if she was going to push having it this weekend, but Christen said that she missed her. And her cooking. That meant something.

“If I buy you a ring, will you consider staying in LA?”

Kelley had already bought a ring that she had stuffed into her pocket. She had been saving it for a chance that she could propose to Christen after they won the World Cup, right there on the field.  That was still two years away, but if she Christen wanted it now, she would do that too. She waited for Christen’s response.

“Do you really hate my career _that_ much?”

Kelley shoulders fell. Christen looked so sad.

“No.” Kelley said quietly and without conviction. “I guess I just wanted to know if things would change if we got married.”

“Change how? What do you want to be changed?” Christen pushed.

“The amount of time you spend with me.” Kelley pushed back.

“How would getting married change how much we see each other?”

“It just would. Wouldn’t it?” Kelley asked in a small voice.

“Well why can’t you fly out here like you did this weekend when you get the chance?”

Kelley shook her head in disappointment. This was going to be a fight. She tore apart the foil that covered her burrito to contain the apprehension.

“I don’t want to come here.” Kelley mumbled.

“Why not?”

“I just don’t. Okay?”

“I fly everywhere for you.” Christen said quietly. “I would fly anywhere for you. I’ve traveled more than I want. For you.”

“Well that’s because my job is something for this country. It’s not some-“ she shut up. She stopped talking.

“It’s not some what?” Christen asked slowly.

“Nothing.” Kelley said. She looked at her girlfriend with puppy dog eyes, begging her to let it go.

“It’s not a real job? Its just me taking pretty pictures of myself for Instagram? Is that what you think?”

Kelley didn’t respond. She didn’t know what she thought but she did know that she could take care of Christen and herself with the money made off of sponsorships Kelley had. They wouldn’t live a lavish life but they’d live a decent one. And they would be together more. Christen’s job could be done anywhere and at anytime, in Kelley’s (uninformed) opinion.

She sighed in frustration when Christen got up from their bench and started walking back to her place. She followed but she stayed ten feet behind and wondered if she was doing this all wrong.

 

((

 

Kelley wasn’t surprised to wake up and find that the bed was empty. She didn’t move from her spot where she laid on her stomach and she reached out to touch the warm spot that Christen had occupied hours before.

It sucked to wake up to find Christen, but just to find bedsheets and loneliness.

Her girlfriend didn’t speak to her the whole night, even when she let Kelley hold her. Kelley didn’t know what the right thing to say was because it was obvious that how she felt was wrong. And she knew that. She knew that Christen deserved more than she was getting from Kelley.

But that was the dilemma.

How could things get better, how could she be better for her when they barely saw each other?

Kelley watched the sun slowly pour in and she felt sad at the  thought that it was another sunrise without Christen.

She got up and brushed her teeth before she went to go find her. Kelley was glad when she could hearChristen’s voice somewhere out in the main area. But she wasn’t when she could hear a second voice.

“I just don’t get it.”

“She’s sweet Zan. I just think it’s the jetlag.” Christen said.

Kelley froze when she realized they were talking about her.

“I’m just saying you could do so much better.”

Kelley balled her hands into fist when she heard Zan’s voice and at the words she was spewing.

“You should have someone who treats you like a queen.”

Kelley didn’t hear her girlfriend say anything in response.

“C’mon. It’s clear she hates your life here. She’s butt hurt because she realized what you have without her. Well screw her. You’ve worked for this!”

Those words struck something inside Kelley. She didn’t know if those words made her angry because they were lies, or because they spoke the truth that Kelley didn’t want to hear. She didn’t know. Again, she didn’t hear a response from Christen.

“She doesn’t even know what’s going on with your sleep issues, or your anxiety, or fuck I don’t know- the names of ONE of your friends.” Zan said indignantly.

“What’s your point?” Kelley heard Christen ask defeatedly.

“My point is that you should be with someone else. You’ve outgrown her. It’s obvious.”

Kelley reached out to balance herself as she thought about the fact that maybe this bitch Christen was living with was…right. It was only a matter of time before Christen realized she was so much better than what Kelley was giving her.

“Stop. We’ve talked about this.” She heard Christen say..

They’ve talked about what?

“Everyone agrees. Find someone else. You don’t have to look far.”

That was too far for Kelley. She knew what Zan was doing. And she didn’t want this conversation to go on any longer.

“If she wanted you she’d already be with you.” Kelley said when she entered the kitchen. She could see Christen’s eyes widen in fear at her unexpected arrival..

“Do you want to be with me?” Kelley asked Christen calmly when she pointed at the woman who had her arms crossed and her face scrunched up in disgust st Kelley’s distasteful move.

“YE- OF COURSE Kell.” Christen said when she crossed the space between them.

“Who the fuck are you to be talking to MY GIRLFRIEND like that?” Kelley questioned passionately after switching gears and her attack directed to this stranger.

“Kelley. It’s not-“

“Is she not referring to herself?!?” Kelley asked Christen.

“No-“

“Yeah. I am.” Zan said, her face was equally as combative.

“FUCK OFF. Or I’m gonna-“

“You’re gonna what O’Hara?” Zan had narrowed eyes and a smirk on her mouth.

“.What are you going to do to me  when you’re all the way across the country? Better yet, what are you going to do for YOUR GIRLFRIEND from all the way across the country?”

No words were formed in Kelley’s mind or her mouth. It was just anger that was building. She didn’t have an answer to Zan’s challenge and she hadn’t worked out a solution to her issues with Christen.

She looked down to see Christen’s hand grabbing hers.

“Stop. The both of you.” Christen said softly as she tried to tug Kelley away from the scene.

“Is this what you’ve been listening to every day? Is this who you’ve been hanging out with? Are you letting her talk about me like that??” Kelley turned around to question Christen.

“Babe-“

“ANSWER.” Kelley commanded. She stayed rooted in her spot.

“Look. It’s just my friends that are looking out for me-“

“WELL FUCK YOUR FRIENDS. Do you believe her?!?”

Christen sighed. She could tell that Kelley wasn’t really looking for answers she was just looking to make accusations.

“Is that it? Is she why you don’t want to marry me?!” Kelley yelled.

“Wait. You’re going to marry this asshole??” Zan asked of Christen.

Christen was overwhelmed. She was still holding onto Kelley’s hand, was connected to her, but it was apparent that it was JUST a physical connection. It was clear that they were not on the same page about things.  

“Have you outgrown me Chris?!? Is that it? Do you want someone else??”

“No.” Christen said.

“I’m serious. Tell me right now, am I just holding you back? Have you FUCKING outgrown me??”

“No. I haven’t outgrown you. I love you.” Christen said while she begged Kelley to calm down and go into her bedroom to finish this conversation.

“Then why are you still living here? Why are you still hanging out with this fucking- I don’t want you living here anymore!”

“Kelley. Let’s talk about it-“

But Kelley withdrew her hand from Christen when she tried to reign her back in.

“NO. Tell me you love me and-“

“I love you.” Christen desperately proclaimed.

“So then it’s ME OR NEW YORK!” Kelley yelled.

She could hear Zan let out a mixture of a scoff and a chuckle while Christen looked absolutely devastated.

“Kelley. Stop. You’re overreacting and you’re being-“

“I’M NOT.” Kelley pushed. “If you love me you’ll pick me!”

“No. You don’t mean that. This isn’t you.” Christen said strongly.

Kelley’s chest was heaving from the exploded anger.

“You WOULD NEVER make me choose between my career or you. You WOULD NEVER.” Christen pushed back.

“So does that mean you’re picking her over me?” Kelley asked. Apparently Zan and New York were becoming interchangeable It was her turn to be devastated. She could already feel pain all over her body.

“I’m not picking anybody, Kell!” Christen stated.

“You’re supposed to fucking pick me!” Kelley demanded.

“I can’t do this- I can’t be here.” Kelley declared before she stormed out of the kitchen to get her stuff so that she could get out of this house and this issue ridden relationship that was suffocating her. It was choking her and she was getting desperate and she was doing desperate things.

She clawed through Christen’s room to find her stuff.

“Don’t. leave.” She heard her girlfriend order with her back to her.

But Kelley didn’t listen. She threw stuff into her suitcase. She looked around for her charger and for her shoes. She looked underneath the bed to see if her indoors got pushed underneath. She didn’t stop packing until Christen kicked the suitcase away from her.

“Kelley. Stop. Take a deep breath.” Christen said even though her temper seemed to be rising. Kelley could see the unique command that Christen possessed to keep her still and get things right. She was the only one that could do that when Kelley was going at 100 miles an hour (sometimes Alex could, too).

“I love you.” Christen said when they both were still. She approached Kelley slowly.

“Pick me.” Kelley begged of Christen when she pulled her in closer because the proximity was enabling her to touch Christen and use that as she begged her girlfriend to validate their love in the way she wanted. Whether it was right or wrong, she needed it. She was glad to see Christen’s arms loop around her neck instantly.

“I would pick you, but if you love me don’t make me.” Christen’s eyes were clear and glassy and the sight of her face now was a really big moment for Kelley. She could see the unconditional love, and she could see how much she was hurting Christen.

“Please love me. Please don’t make me.”

Kelley had a battle going on in her head. She didn’t know what she was doing anymore. She didn’t know what she SHOULD do. But she was a human being with faults and feelings.

“It’s me or New York.” Kelley said quietly.

 

##

 

It had been two weeks since Kelley had flown back from the east coast, and she still didn’t know what Christen picked.

Christen was calm and measured as she packed some clothes into a suitcase of her own two weeks ago. Kelley stood by, confused as to why her girlfriend was the one packing her bags since it was only Kelley that had a flight.

“So are you coming with me?” Kelley had asked those two weeks ago.

“No.” Kelley remembered feeling dread flood everywhere,sourced from the pit of her stomach.

“So you’re…are you…” Kelley’s voice was already breaking, “Are you picking New York?”

She could already feel herself panic. She wanted to go back on her ultimatum and tell Christen she didn’t mean it.

“No.”

Christen didn’t answer any other questions. SHE was the one who left her own house and left Kelley behind. Kelley didn’t know where she went and how long she was going to be gone for.

She stayed in New York for one more night to see if Christen would come back, but when the morning came and her girlfriend was still gone, Kelley mental lost it. The only person she could think to blame other than herself was that bitch that lived with Christen like Kelley used to. The bitch that bought Christen food like Kelley used to.

So before Kelley flew back, she checked Christen’s house for her girlfriend one more time. And when she couldn’t find the love of her life, she raided the room of that bitch that she really really wanted to hurt. Zan.

And Kelley didn’t want to tell anyone, let alone admit it to herself, that she undid all the work she had done for years, and relapsed.

She stowed away the $1000+ watch she had taken from Zan’s room when no one was home, and put it in her suitcase so that she could forget about her crime.

She waited by the phone. She called several times. Kelley didn’t even know If her girlfriend was alive.

During those two weeks she thought long and hard about what she had just done to Christen.

Three days into being back in LA she had gotten a call from Tobin, who told her that Christen was okay and alive. Kelley was a little frustrated that Tobin couldn’t really tell her much, but she conceded when her best friend told her that she would give a daily update.

“Tobs. Does she still love me?” Kelley asked sadly.

“I think so, bud.” Tobin’s voice was soft on the phone.

"Is she still my girlfriend?"

"Yeah. I think so."

“I didn’t mean it.” Kelley explained. “I love her. I’m sorry! I take it back! Does she know that??”

“Kell, I’ll tell her.” Tobin reassured.

“Why can’t I tell her? Why won’t she talk to me??” Kelley had inquired.

“I don’t know, Kell. She won’t tell me what happened but she said that you really hurt her this time.”

 

++

 

“Is this your first shoot?”

Kelley looked up. She had been zoning out. She forced herself to smile and engage a little.

“You know it’s not.” She said with a smirk. Blondie knew it wasn’t her first, but Kelley knew that her mood could be felt from everyone. And it was delaying the whole schedule for the day.

“You look good. Why are you such a Debbie downer?” Blondie asked.

“Eh. I don’t know.”

Kelley didn’t think about much other than that she had fucked herself over and now she REALLY didn’t deserve Christen. She thought about her disappointing actions, and Christen’s face when Kelley had given her the ultimatum.

She could tell that blondie really cared and they were good working friends, so she let her into all her personal misery, hoping that maybe someone could give her hope.

“She should have picked you.” Blondie said with a shrug.

“But I don’t even know if she did or not.” Kelley said bitterly.

“I think that if you have to ask, then she didn’t pick you.”

Kelley’s shoulders fell. Her heart fell to the ground. Those were true words. She felt worthless, and she didn’t know how she was going to finish this photo shoot today after hearing that.

“Hey. She missed out.” Blondie said softly. Kelley looked down at her hand on Kelley’s arm and she had this overwhelming feeling that she didn’t deserve the affection of another human being right now.

“No. I fucked it up.” Kelley said. She clenched her jaw as she held back these tears that were going to ruin the makeup.

“You showed her you loved her. Shit, you showed her HOW MUCH you love her. If she wants to pick that other girl than it’s her loss.” Blondie responded.

Kelley absorbed it all in.

“No. It’s mine.” Kelley said as she looked down at her shoes. She couldn’t contain the tears anymore. She didn’t let out any sobs, but she silently broke down. The only thing holding her up was her friend that kept whispering in her ear telling her that Kelley was worth sacrificing everything.

Kelley didn’t know how much she needed the affection from another human being, until that moment she felt truly broken by the consequences of her actions.

 

**

 

“I think about you all the time. Where are you? When are you coming home?”

There was silence on the other line for awhile.

“Christen. Come back to me. Please?”

She heard some shifting in the background. Kelley could hear Christen’s footsteps so she knew she was still there. She could hear her girlfriend’s slow breaths as she deliberated on how to have a conversation with Kelley.

“I don’t know when I’m coming back.” Christen’s voice sounded lifeless.

“Babe. Where are you?” Kelley begged for the answer.

More footsteps in the background.

“I’m in LA.” Can the response after a long pause.

“You’re here?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you coming home? When did you get here?” Kelley asked.

“I’ve been in LA This whole time. “ Christen’s voice was flat.

“You-you’re…you’ve been here?”

Christen silence confirmed it.

“Why aren’t you here with me?” Kelley asked when she wiped some tears quickly.

“I need space.”

“What?” Kelley was thoroughly confused. And heartbroken. And guilty. And scared that she was losing the only thing she wanted.

“Y-y-you move out of New York- What- and you move back here…for space? That- help me understand babe.” Kelley asked of her.

Christen sighed. “I got out of New York for you, Kelley. I chose you.”

Her voice was still flat and lifeless.

“How is this you choosing me?? The point was for you to be with me more!” She hated hearing Christen’s voice like this.

“Can you give me one thing Kelley? Seriously, just one?” Christen asked.

Kelley sat down on her couch and curled into herself. She brought the blanket around her because she was feeling lonelier and lonelier by the second and she needed to feel protected.

“What is it?” Kelley asked with dread after a long while of seconds.

“Give me some fucking space.”

 

**

 

Kelley put her hand on the left pant of her joggers to make sure that the glasses were still there safe and sound.

She had been debating for the whole day on whether she should use those black rimmed glasses as an excuse to call Christen again.

“You can relax on the drink dude. I’ll be here for three more hours. We got time.” Tobin said from across the table.

Kelley just gave her an annoyed look.

“How is she?” She asked.

“She’s good.” Tobin reassured. Kelley nodded.

“She left her glasses at the house.” Kelley said quietly into her glass.

“Chris has been there?” Tobin asked. Her brow furrowed.

“I came home after practice and saw her glasses on the bathroom and some of her clothes were missing.” Kelley sadly stated.

“Oh.” Tobin looked surprised. “Well maybe that’s a good sign dude!”

“That she took more of her shit from the house?” Kelley challenged.

“That she’s showing sign of willing to come back to the house.” Tobin offered.

Be that as it may, Kelley was still drowning in her loneliness. Christen’s cold shoulder never lasted this long and it was harsher and more painful because she was in California, so close but so far.

She decided to quit talking about it with Tobin. Kelley didn’t want it to her escape her mouth that she was bitter that Christen chose Tobin of all people to be the one to relay the message that she was still alive.

Kelley brushed off Tobin’s questions on being good to drive, and managed to down 2 more beers all by herself at this bar.

She was too angry and sad, living with a clouded mind, that she didn’t know the difference between her drunken state of mind and her sober one. Both felt miserable.

Kelley took her phone out and let her body try to decode what emotion she was feeling when she scrolled through Instagram to see a beautiful picture of Christen in a red bikini on a beach that was four miles away from their house.

She stared at it for a long time. Kelley saw that it was posted two hours ago. She didn’t know who the photographer was, but it became clear that Christen was still modeling. Kelley read through all the comments of people that wrote how excited they were that she had come back from her social media hiatus.

Kelley DM’d her.

_ Do you still love me? _

When Christen failed to respond in an hours time, Kelley found the Instagram of someone she knew would respond to her.  

Someone who would show her some affection.

Someone who would drink with her.

Someone with blonde hair.

 

++

 

“She doesn’t love me.” Kelley’s kept repeating as her answer to all of Alex’s questions.

Why are you like this?

Why are you drinking so much before a big game?

Why are you alone at this bar?

“I wasn’t alone.” Kelley said in a drunken fit. She was getting annoyed by all of Alex’s motherly (and legitimate) questions. It was two in the morning and the last thing she wanted was an interrogation.

“Who were you with?” Alex asked, unperturbed by Kelley’s obvious display of an asshole.

“Huh? No one.”

Alex bit down on her tongue while she drove off and Kelley struggled to buckle her own seatbelt. After a mile or two of silence, Alex looked to the side to see Kelley already asleep.

As she drove her pathetic friend home, Alex just felt very sorry for the both of her friends. She felt bad for Christen for obvious reasons, but Alex felt bad for Kelley because she saw herself in this woman that she used to be in love with.

Kelley was desperate, erratic, paranoid, and doing everything in her power to basically destruct her relationship. It reminded Alex of her own college days when those were the words to describe her. 

When she got to the O’Hara/press residence, she decided on how she was going to get a passed out Kelley into their home. She unbuckled herself and went to the other side of her car and unbuckled Kelley’s. When she reached around to press on the red button of the seat belt, something caught her eye.

Something that was really…off.

Alex looked down at a passed out Kelley’s wrist and then back up at her friend’s face.

Alex sighed. She sighed in disappointment.

Alex took the very expensive looking watch that looked way too big for kelley’s wrist, off and inspected it.

It wasn’t Kelley’s. And Alex knew that.

_ Fucking shit, Kelley.  _

Alex would recognize the signs of Kelley’s kleptomania, no matter how long it’s been since they’ve been together. It was more apparent now that they weren’t and she could get a good look of Kelley from an outside perspective. Her former girlfriend would always consume or use any thing she used to steal, no matter how trivial. If it was candy she ate it, if it was clothes she wore it.  

Alex would recall the times it looked kinda funny to see Kelley sometimes wear a T-shirt from another school when they were in college. She didn’t realize that I was because Kelley stolen it from the visiting team they played, until after their relationship.

But now, she knew exactly what an oversized watch on Kelley’s wrist was and what it meant.

Alex put the watch in her hand to confront Kelley about it later and then carried (struggled) her friend’s body into the house and onto the couch.

When she plopped Kelley down onto the cushions she groaned in frustration when she heard something fall onto the wooden floor of Kelley’s house. Alex took of Kelley’s shoes and she lifted her head to put a pillow underneath it. Alex threw the blanket over her friend.

She took a second to catch her breath.

Then she picked up the object that had fallen onto the floor, which turned out to be Kelley’s phone.

She turned it over in her palm.

And she felt the dread take over her when she read the messages of someone whose name was NOT Christen, and who was sending Kelley messages that Alex wished she NEVER read.

 

++

 

She’s never had a headache from drinking. Until the morning she woke up from a night she didn’t remember(mostly).

There was a pillow underneath her head and a blanket over her so she must have been driven home and taken care of.

Kelley remembered that she was supposed to grab drinks with Tobin before her flight out back to Portland last night. She remembered the picture of Christen in a red bikini. But she couldn’t really remember the rest.

The light from the sun was hurting her eyes and she sat up way too fast. Her head spinning.

Kelley picked up her phone from the coffee table.

The first thing she saw was a notification of an Instagram DM from Christen sent last night :

 

_Some thing s have changed.  _

_ But more than anything, I still love you.  _

 

Kelley gripped her phone so hard that it may have cracked in two. It was elation that she feared may make her explode that she was trying to temper. She didn't know if that meant Christen was coming back soon or what, but she was happy.

She didn’t want it to be too good to be true, but she couldn’t help the smile on her face and the awe she was in.

More than anything, Christen still loved her. She would hold onto that.

Kelley put down her phone to go pee and then brush her teeth. She got a sudden urge to begin this day on a good note. The dull headache wouldn’t be anything but a thing in the back of her mind.

Kelley put on these workout clothes that made her feel good,that Christen loved her in. She laced up her shoes and she felt more than ready to run a marathon.

On her way out, she picked her phone up to pick a playlist for her run. Kelley put in her headphones while she navigated through her library. When she found the perfect song, she closed out of Spotify.

And the. the red dot caught her eye.

It was a red bubble on her messages app with the number 75.

It wasn’t that unusual for Kelley to have that many since she was in a billion group chats, but she wondered if it would give her insight to last night.

She pressed it. She was surprised to see that it was only one group chat and one conversation that was unread.

She clicked on her blonde friend’s conversation with the blue dot next to it.

She read through the most recent messages.

Kelley ripped the headphones from the ears land let them crash to the floor as the memories of last night came flooding back.

 Her phone vibrated with a text from Alex

_Alex: We need to talk_

 

 


End file.
